IPS 3525 
.02777 
M6 
1921 
Copy 1 




3^^^^ 



WIVES TO BURN 



Price, 35 Cents 




WALTER H' BAKERS^ CO- 

i BOSTON 



S *^ ''"'' ^^'' "'"'' """^ ""^"^ '^"^ ''*™' "^^ '^^^ ""^^ "^*^ ''^^ •'^^ 7^^ T^^ ""^^ ""O^ •'^T "*^' T^"" •'ftr '^^ ^ •J S 

Plays for Colleges and High iJchools ^ 



The Air Spy 

Bachelor Hali 

The College Chap 

The Coloners Maid 

Daddy 

The Deacon's Second Wife 

The District Attorney 

The Dutch Detective 

At the Sign of the Shooting Star 

The Elopement of EUen 

Engaged by Wednesday 

The Chuzzlewitts, or Tom Pinch 

For One Night Only 

Hamilton 

Constantine Pueblo Jones 

Excuse Me 

The Hoodoo 

The Hurdy Qurdy Girl 

Katy Did 

Let's Get Married 

London Assurance 

Lost a Chaperon 

A Foul Tip 

The Man Who Went 

The Man Without a Countnr 

Master Pierre Patelin ' 

How Jim Made Good 

Just Plain Mary 

Line Busy 

Mr. Bob 

Mrs. Briggs of the Poaitry Yfird 

Nathan Hale 

Patty Makes Things Hum 

Professor Pepp 

A Regiment of Two 

The Private Tutor 

The Rivals 

Silas Marner 

When a Feller Needs a Friend 

Sally Lunn 

The School for Scandal 

She Stoops to Conquer 

Step Lively 

The Submarine Shell 

The Thirteenth Star 

The Time of His Life 

Tommy's Wife 

The Twig of Thorn 

The Amazons 

The Conjurer 



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BAKER, Hamilton Place, Boston, Rftss. 



> 



Wives to Burn 



A Farce in Three Acts 



By 

J. c. Mcmullen 

Author of ' ' When a Feller Needs a Friend^* 
" Turning the Trick:' " The Boob " 



The professional and moving picture rights in this play are 
strictly reserved and application for the right to produce it 
should therefore be made to the publishers of this book. Ama- 
teurs may oDtain permission to produce it privately upon pay- 
ment of a fee of ten dollars (^lo.oo) for one performance, and 
J555.00 for each additional performance, payable in advance. All 
payments and correspondence should be addressed to WALTER 
H. Baker Company, Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass. 




Wao.TOHW 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER COMPANY 

I 92 I 



F5 55^5 



Wives to Burn 



CHARACTERS 

Bert Parker, a bank clerk. 
Dick Girard 1 , .- . . 
Rich Douglas r"/^^"'^^^' 

Tack I ^^^^^ hands. 
Daniel Easton, "from Turkey.'' 
Inspector Clancy, of Central Station. 
Mayme Clifford, a cafeteria cashier. > 
Polly Palmer] . ., ., . ., 
Betty King \^^ ^^e -movies. 

Aunt Hetty Bingle, the boarding-house keeper, 
Gert, her ' 'hired girl. " 

Time. The present. 
Scene. Los Angeles, Cal. 

Act I. Living-room at Miss Bingle' s, 7:00 p. m. 
Act II. The same, 7:45 p. m. 
Act III. The same, 8:30 p. m. 




Copyright, 1921, by J. C. McMullkn 
As author and proprietor. 

All stage and moving picture rights reserved., 
See note on title page. 

JUL 27 '21 

©CI.D ■S8257 



PLEASE NOTICE 

The stage-rights in this play are strictly reserved by the pub- 
lishers, to whom applications for its use should be addressed. 
Walter H. Baker Co., Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass. 



Attention is called to the penalties provided by the Copyright 
Law of the United States of America in force July i, 1909, for 
any infringement of rights, as follows ; 

Shc. 28. That any person who wilfully and for profit shall infringe any 
Copyright secured by this Act, or who shall knowingly and wilfully aid 
or abet such infringement, shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, and 
upon conviction thereof shall be punished by imprisonment for not ex- 
ceeding one year or by a fine of not less than one hundred dollars, or both, 
at the discretion of the court. 

Sbc. ag. That any person who, with fraudulent intent, shall insert -or 
impress any notice of Copyright required by this Act, or words of the 
tame purport, in or upon any uncopyrighted article, or with fraudulent in- 
tent shall remove or alter the copyright notice upon any article duly copy- 
righted shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, punishable by a fine of not lest 
than one hundred dollars and not more than one thousand dollars. 



DIRECTIONS FOR SCENERY 

Action of play is continuous. Diagram of stage set- 
ting given below. Can be made more elaborate if de- 
sired. 'Phone on table. Curtains over window arranged 
in such a way that person can easily stand behind them 
unseen from others on stage. Mirror on wall between 
c. D. and stairs. Man playing Inspector can double for 
negro woman if desired, the latter not having a speaking 
part. Pieces of wood can be painted to give the appear- 
ance of iron and used by Polly in last act, instead of the 
real article. 



I * * Center Door y-s , , "^ 

W/ndorv Chsir I — I Hifchen 



I 



Phonograph 
O Chair . 



P/nirrg Room 




COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Bert, Dick and Rich. Young men of twenty- four 
or twenty-five. Business suit throughout play. 

Steve. Young man of twenty-four. Full Turkish 
costume. Overcoat for last act. 

Jack. Young man of twenty-one. Harem costume 
for Turkish woman, with face veil. Long overcoat for 
last act. 

Daniel. A man in the fifties. Business suit. 

Inspector. A man of thirty-five or forty. Business 
suit. 

Mayme. a slangy girl of about twenty-five, dressed 
in the extreme of style. Should be played forcefully, as 
she practically dominates the other characters. 

Polly and Betty. Girls of twenty-two or twenty- 
three. Ordinary street dress and hat. Large dress for 
Polly to make up as fat woman in Act III. 

Aunt Hetty. Precise old maid in the forties. 
Wears nose glasses. In last act changes to wedding 
dress of style twenty-five years previous to play. 

Gert. English "slavey " type. Dress should not be 
exaggerated to make the part ridiculous. In last act 
changes to neat house dress. 

Negro Woman. A large negro woman, dressed in 
gay colors, with heavy face veil. 



Wives to Burn 



ACT I 
SCENE. — Living-room, Miss Bingle's boarding-house. 

(Bert enters from dining-room. Closes door very 
carefully behind him and stands at door a moment 
listening. Crosses to door c, and looks out into 
hall. Then to foot of stairs and -pauses a moment. 
Then goes to 'phone, table r.) 

Bert. Wilshire 4324 Speak to Miss Palmer, 

please Oh, hello ! That you, Polly ? 

Um-hum. Yes. It's me all right .Yes 

Where were you last night? (Mayme enters from din- 
ing-room; goes to mirror back, fixes hair, etc.) Oh, you 

were ? What did" he say ? He did ? What 

did you say ? You did ? Then what did 

Mayme {comes forward). Snap out of it! Snap 
out of it ! 

Bert {savagely, to Mayme). Shut up! {In 'phone, 
very sweetly). Oh, no, no, no. Not you, dear. I 
wouldn't tell you to shut up. Now what were you say- 
ing ? Oh, you did ? Well, what do you know 

about that ? The idea ! Well, what do 

you think • of that ? Then what did Honey do ? 
(Mayme shows disgust.) Is that so! Then what did 
dearie do? 

Mayme {grabs 'phone and hangs up receiver). Aw! 
Step on it ! Step on it ! What do you think I am ? 
Don't you suppose I get enough of that soft mush all day 



8 WIVES TO BURN 

from old bald-headed guys as don't know no better, 
without comin' home to me little old boarding-house and 
listen to a love-sick gink spout (Imitates Bert.) "Oh! 
You did? Well, what do you know about that? Then 
what did Honey do? Oh you did?" If that isn't the 
bunk, I don't know what is. 

Bert. That was a mean trick, Mayme Clifford. 
What will Polly think of me? 

(Rich enters and stands c. d.) 

Mayme. I don't give a whoop what she thinks. If 
you want to gab, gab, gab to her all the time, hire a hall. 

(Dick appears c. d.) 

Rich (enters with package, followed by Dick). 
What's the row? 

Mayme. Oh that (Points to Bert.) was having his 
usual evening gab-fest with his lady-love and I guess I 
queered it. 

Dick (coming forward). If you want to talk to her 
all the time why don't you marry her? 

Rich. I should say so. If you are not talking to 
her you are talking about her. 

( Goes to phonograph, opens package and places record 
on machine.) 

Bert. You make me sick, the whole bunch of you. 

[Exits by stairs. 

Mayme (looking after him). How do they get that 
way? 

Rich (goes to kitchen and dining-room door, peeps 
out, then back to phonograph). I guess the old lady is 
too busy; she won't notice us. (Starts phonograph.) 
Now listen. (Keeps time with music for a moment.) 
Isn't that a pippin? Come on, Mayme. 

(They start dancing.) 

Gert (sticks head in dining-room door). Douse the 
honky-tonk and be quick. The grouch's comin'. 



WIVES TO BURN 4) 

{Withdraws head. Rich quickly stops phonograph 
and seats himself on divan, in line with dining-room 
door, and picks up newspaper, Dick sits other end 
of divan, Mayme at table.) 

Aunt {enters from kitchen and looks suspiciously 
from one to the other. Goes to phonograph, takes rec- 
ord from machine and reads label). "The Sque-bibble 
Blues ! " How often have I told you young people I w^ill 
not have such trash in my house? A nice piece of 
music to be played in the home of the President of the 
(Loca/.) Uplift Society. {Breaks record.) There, Miss 
Cliiford! {Hands her record.) Now don't let this oc- 
cur again. 

Mayme. Why pick on me? I ain't the only one in 
the room. 

Aunt. I know it was you, young lady, don't deny it. 

[Exits to kitchen with head up. 

Mayme {rising, as Rich and Dick drop their news- 
papers). Could yuh beat it ! I wonder why she always 
picks on me? 

Rich. You should worry! I paid for the record. 

(Gert stands just outside dining-room door.) 

Mayme. All right, take it then. 

{Throws record toward him. Rich ducks and record 
strikes Gert, who is just opening door, causing her 
to drop bowl of flowers she has in her hands.) 

Gert {startled), 'Oo the blue blazes throwed that? 

Mayme {as though shocked). Why, Gert! You 
mustn't use slang. 

Rich. The President of the Uplift Society will get 
you if you don't watch out. 

Gert {indignantly). Hin Hi walks, mindin' of me 
own business and Hi gets that. {Points to broken rec- 
ord.) Hi'm liable to git me walkin' papers fer it, Hi 
am. {Gathers up wreckage.) 

Mayme {helping her). I'm sorry, Gert, and if the old 
Hessian says anything to you, I'll stand by you. 



10 WIVES TO BURN 

Gert. Hall right. 'Ere goes. (Starts toward kitchen 
door. Turns at door.) Now mind! Hif Hi catches it, 
you 'as to 'elp me hout. [Exits kitchen. 

(Voices heard outside, as Mayme, Rich and Dick 
line up at kitchen door to listen.) 

Aunt (off stage). Clumsy ox! How did it happen? 

Gert (off sta^e). Me foot tripped and 

Aunt (off stage). Watch your feet after this. I 
shall take the price of the broken bowl from your wages. 
Rich. She was on the job all right. 

(They resume seats as Bert enters stairs.) 

Bert (goes to table and sorts over letters). Anybody 
seen a letter for me? 

Dick. I haven't. 

Rich. Me either; why? 

Bert. I have been expecting one for the last three 
months that has never arrived. 

(Looks over other articles on table.) 

Mayme. Ain't seein' her once a day enough for yuh ? 

Bert. This isn't a " her." It's from a " him," my 
Uncle Dan. 

Mayme. A real live uncle and a-writin' to yuh ? 

Bert. Yes. 

Mayme. Aunt Het's brother? 

Bert. No; Aunt Hetty is only my father's stepsis- 
ter. Uncle Dan is my mother's brother. He has been 
in Turkey for the past twenty-five years or so, running 
some kind of a mining concession, so I understand. 
Ever since Mother died he has been sending me fifty dol- 
lars a month. Three months ago the checks stopped and 
I*ve been wondering what's the matter. 

Mayme. He ain't a uncle, he's a angel. Talk about 
luck ! Nothin' like that ever walks down the street to 
meet me, I'll tell the world. Here's a guy as has a aunt, 
as thinks he's a little angel on a tin horse and won't take 



WIVES TO BURN ^I 

no board money oif en him and now he has a uncle as 
sends him fifty dollars a month without even askin' for 
it. Ain't some people born with silver spoons in their 
mouth? Ain't they, though? 

Bert. Saturday is Polly's birthday and I wanted that 
fifty to apply on the prettiest diamond ring in Los An- 
geles for the prettiest girl in the state of California. 
(All groan and turn away from him.) Well, she is, I 
tell you ! 

Mayme. Put on the clutch ! Put on the clutch ! 
Don't you suppose we ever get tired hearin' you spout 
about that girl? 

Dick. I should say so. (Imitates Bert.) Oh! 
She's a wonderful girl ! Those eyes ■ 

Rich. And those hair. 

Mayme. And those nose. (All sigh together.) 

Bert (laughing). Old stuff! - 

Dick. Where did you meet her, Bert? 

Bert. She came into the bank one day, asking for 
some information concerning a check, and we got to talk- 
ing. You know she's the most entertaining girl. 

Rich. Oh, no doubt in the world! 

Bert. She is, I tell you! She's got a lot of pluck, 
too. Her mother was a widow on a little dinkey farm 
back in Ohio. She died over a year ago and left Polly 
with about $500 and a brother somewhere in California 
who hadn't written home for over two years. Polly 
started out with her $500 to hunt her brother. She 
came into the bank to attend to a little business, I met 
her, and there you are. •- 

Rich. Has she found this long-lost brother? -■ 
. Bert. Not yet, but she will. She thinks he is in or 
around Los Angeles and is working as an extra at the 
Prince Picture Studio while she looks around. 

Dick. Why don't you take us around to see her siDme 
time ? 

Bert. Not on your life. 

Dick. Why? ' 

Bert. Because if I did you would be sure to queer 
me. 



12 WIVES TO BURN 

Mayme. Oh Mama! I suppose we ain't refined 
enough for the little dear. 

Bert. N-n-no, it isn't that exactly, but, well, she's 
different. 

Rich. Sure! Every fellow's girl is different. 

Bert. This one is. She doesn't dance 

Mayme. Oi yoi, oi yoi, oi yoi ! Bert, the prize shim- 
mie shaker, goin' with a dame as don't dance. Shades. 
of my sainted grandmother ! Kin yuh imagine it ? 

Bert (quickly). There! That's it! Polly is not ac- 
customed to that kind of English. 

Dick. Oh, I see. And she doesn't dance? 

Bert. No, and when she didn't, I naturally told her 
I didn't either. 

Rich. Sweet spirits of nitre ! How do you ever ex- 
pect to get away with a thing like that ? 

Bert. I can get away with anything if I watch my 
step, and that's just the reason I have never given any of 
you a chance to meet her. If you talked with her you 
would be sure to spill something and then 

(Shrugs shoulders expressively.) 

Rich. Not if she's the kind of a girl you've been tell- 
ing us about. A girl that is so good and so noble and so 
high-minded (Looks around.) Did I miss any- 
thing? 

Mayme. And loyal. 

Rich. And loyal as Polly is, wouldn't throw you 
down simply because she found out you danced a little. 

Dick. And smoked. 

Mayme. And run around at night. ^ 

Rich. And take a little nip — when you can get it. 

Bert (angrily). You're a bunch of knockers! You 
make me tired. [Exits on stairs. 

Dick. Gentle disposition. 

(Picks tip paper from divan and starts to read.) 

Mayme. I'll say he has. (Goes to Dick.) Gimme 
half. 



WIVES TO BURN »3 

(Dick shares paper zvith her and she sits near table r.) 

Dick. Listen to this, will you? (Reads.) ** During 
the Nurses' Annual Ball at the County Hospital last night 
two of the inmates of the quarantined ward escaped and 
are still at large. They will no doubt be captured soon, 
as they were dressed in masquerade costumes purloined 
from the dressing-room." 

Rich. Nothing to get excited over in that. 

Dick. Not if they got enough costume, but if they 
happened to pick one for a Salome dancer 

Mayme. Here's something that's got that beat. Lis- 
ten at it: (Reads.) " The will of Lydia Prudence Per- 
kins, the world's champion fat woman, who tipped the 
scales at 615 pounds, was found this morning." 

Rich. Gee! Lydia was all there when it come to 
size. Wasn't she? 

Mayme (reading). "It was feared for a while that 
no will had been made and that her entire fortune, 
amounting to $400,000, would revert to the State. When 
the will was read a forgotten tragedy in her life was .un- 
earthed, which will be the means of benefiting some one 
of Los Angeles' numerous young men. At the age of 
twenty-five Miss Perkins was engaged to be married to 
a young man, who, almost at the altar, jilted her and 
eloped with her bride'smaid, because, as he stated, his 
intended wife was too fat. Miss Perkins even then weigh- 
ing in the neighborhood of three hundred pounds. This 
embittered the young lady's life and she vowed never to 
marry. She later entered the show business and pros- 
pered. When she knew death was coming on she had a 
canvass made of all the young men of the city whose 
name began with the same letter as hers, P, and of the 
age of twenty-five, her age when jilted, and a drawing is 
to take place to decide which of the young men is to be 
her heir. The only stipulation is that he must marry 
within the week of her death, a woman weighing not less 
than three hundred pounds. Miss Perkins determined 
that some fat woman would enjoy the married happiness 
which she had missed. Rather a freakish will, you will 



14 WIVES TO BURN 

say, but the all-important question is, who is to be the 
happy man ? " 

Rich. Oh boy ! Wish my name began with a P. 

Dick. Here too. 

Mayme. Not much time, is there, if the young man 
has to get married before the week's out. To-day's 
Friday. 

Rich. Wouldn't I like to be the one to draw that 
money? How much is it? 

Mayme {looks at paper). Four hundred thousand 
dollars. 

Dick. By George! Bert is in on that. He's about 
twenty-five and his name begins with a P, Parker. 

Mayme. Fat chance he has. Bo, fat chance ! with 
him so dippy over that there Polly dame. He'd turn 
down four million for her. You'd oughta heard him on 
the 'phone a while ago. 

. Rich. What's being dippy over Polly got to do with 
it? 

Mayme (pointing to paper). Don't it say here he has 
to marry a woman weighin' three hundred pounds within 
the 'week? He'd never be so crazy over Polly if she 
weighed that much. Believe me ! 

Rich. That's right, he wouldn't. Do you know, he 
makes me sick with his everlasting Polly this and Polly 
that. You would think he had her cinched the way he 
talks about her. 

Dick. Maybe he has. 

Rich. Oh, I don't know. There are a few other fel- 
lows in Los Angeles beside Bert Parker. 

Dick. Evidently not with Polly. 

Mayme. You're jealous. 

Rich. No, I'm not, but all he talks about is Polly, 
Polly, Polly, all day long. 

, Dick. Well, you would like to talk about Betty, 
Betty, Betty, all day long but you're too darned bashful. 

Rich (pays no attention to Dick). And how true 
Polly is to him. , (Bert appears head of stairs, notices 
they are talking about him and stops. ) All you can hear 
when you are around the house is his eternal 'phoning to 



WIVES TO BURN I5 

her or talking about her. And his absolute confidence in 
her. (Imitates Bert.) " Nothing can come between 
Polly and me." Bah ! 

Dick. Possibly nothing can. 

Mayme. He must know what he is talking about or 
he wouldn't do so darned much of it. • 

Rich. I've only got about $600 in bank' but I'm will- 
ing to bet $500 of it I can make Polly throw him down 
before to-morrow night. 

Bert (coming down-stairs), I'll just take that bet. 

(All jump to their feet.) 

Rich. Why, Bert, I 

Bert. No harm done, none at all. (Goes to table, 
takes check-book from pocket and writes check.) I 
would simply like to cover that bet. Who'll hold the 
stakes? (Rises with check.) 

Dick. What's the matter with little Dick Girard ? 

Bert. Nothing at all. (Hands -check to Dick.) 
Well, Rich, aren't you game? 

Rich. Of course I'm game. (Writes check, which 
he hands to Dick.) There you are. 

Bert. Now the agreement is, if Polly throws me 
down by — what time to-morrow? 

Rich (looks at watch). It's seven o'clock now; 
make it seven. 

Bert. If Polly throws me down by seven o'clock to- 
morrow night, you get my $500. (Looks around.) 
That's understood. 

Dick. That's as I get it. How about you, Mayme? 

Mayme. Same here. 

Bert. All right. See you later. 

(Exits to library. All stare after him a moment.) 

Rich. Takes it mighty cool; losing five hundred so 
easily. 

Dick. He hasn't lost it yet. 

Rich. He will. 

Mayme. Sure ? 

Rich. You bet, I'm sure. He is going to lose it all 
right. You'll see. 



1 6 WIVES TO BURN 

Mayme. You've sure wished a man's job on your 
hands. 

Dick. I should say so. 

(Starts toward stairs, followed by Mayme.) 

Rich. You're going to help me out, aren't you? 

Dick (stops). What for? I like Bert. 

Mayme. So do I. 

Rich. Liking him has nothing to do with it. You 
know you are both as sick as I am of him raving about 
that girl and her wonderful constancy. Besides, look at 
the fun we c^n have out of it. 

Mayme. And the hard work. Don't forget the hard 
work, for it's gonna take some. 

Rich. Look here, both of you ; if you help me out on 
this and I win, which I will, I'll split even with you. 
What do you say? 

Dick. I'm in on anything that brings in the money, 
but it looks rather low-down for us all to work against 
him. 

Rich. You should worry if you make something out 
of it. How about you, Mayme? 

Mayme. I think you're gonna look like a sick clam 
on a toot by the time you're done with this job, Rich 
Douglas, and you've got about one chance in a million of 
winning, but I'll help. 

Rich. Now how can we do it? 

Dick. Can't you work on her prejudices? You 
know how straight-laced she is. That is, if what he 
says is so. 

Mayme. Yes, run a divorced wife in on him. 

Dick. Or a deserted one. 

Rich. Why not both? 

Mayme. Have a heart. Do you want to give the 
poor boob a harem ? 

Dick. A harem ! Say ! Stick around ! This is go- 
ing to be good. His Uncle Dan in Turkey hasn't written 
him for three months. All right, L^ncle Dan's dead. 

Rich. But what good is that going to do? 

Dick. Wait a minute. Uncle Dan's dead and he has 



WIVES TO BURN 17 

willed to his beloved nephew his favorite wife, Little 
Bevo. How's that? 

Mayme {admiringly) . Believe me, kid, you got some 
think-tank up there under your top-knot. {Taps his 
head.) There's something there besides wood, ain't 
there ? 

Dick. Oh, Tm there with the ideas all right. 

Rich. But who will we get to impersonate the wife ? 

Mayme. Let me do it. I always did want to wear 
them cute little pants what the haremettes wear. 

Dick. Pants? Those are trouserettes. 

Rich. No, we ought to get somebody else. You 
would be better as the divorced wife, Mayme. 

Mayme. And get Gert for the deserted one. She'd 
be a howl. 

Dick. Gert! You couldn't blame a man for desert- 
ing her. 

Rich. But how about the harem lady? 

Dick. That will be a sticker. 

Mayme. Well, fix it up between yuh. I'm going up 
to me room to wash me one and only silk shirt waist 
for to-morrow. Yuh can dope out what yuh intend 
doing and I'll join yuh later. [Exits by stairs. 

Rich. Suppose we go and have a smoke on it. Can't 
do much before to-morrow anyway. 

Dick. I'm with you. Come on. 

[They exit by stairs. 

(Window is cautiously raised and Steve looks into 
room. Looks all around and then motions off stage. 
Enters through window followed by Jack. They 
should be dressed in full Turkish costume, Steve 
as man, Jack as woman.) 

Steve. All right so far. This looks like a good 
place to hide until this blows over and we can get out 
of town. 

Jack. You said it. Just because we happened to be 
sleeping in the same hotel with a gink that had the small- 
pox is no reason that I can see for locking us up in the 
pest-house. Br-r-r-r! It makes me shiver yet. 



l8 WIVES TO BURN 

Steve. Now that weVe made our get-away, it's up 
to us to stay away. If we only had some clothes ! 

(Goes to dining-room door and looks off stage.) 

Jack. It's a cinch that the ladies that wear this junk 
ain't used to cold weather. (Steve goes to kitchen 
door.) Wonder what the little window blind is for? 

{Throws lip face veil.) 

Ste\^ {at kitchen door). Cheese it! Some one's 
coming ! 

{They crawl under couch, Jack leaving foot out, 
toward table, where it can be seen easily.) 

Gert (enters from kitchen. Arranges furniture, pa- 
pers on table, etc. Moves lamp on table and finds letter 
under it. Looks at it closely as though puzzling over 
address. Sticks letter in apron pocket where it can be 
seen later by Aunt Hetty. Goes to couch to arrange 
cushions. Notices Jack's foot. Stops suddenly. Looks 
at foot from different angles. Finally reaches for foot 
very slowly. Jack as slowly drawing it away from her 
hand under couch. She stands and studies a moment. 
Then gets dozvn on knees and looks under couch. Rises 
and screams). 'Elp ! 

Ste\^ (crazvling from under couch, follozved by 
Jack). Hush! For Heaven's sake don't give us away. 

Gert. 'Oo be you? (Jack on her r., Ste\^ l.) 

Stem:. We're — we're detectives! 

Gert. Detectives! 'Oo's murdered? 

Jack. No one yet. But there will be soon if you 
don't keep your mouth shut. 

Gert. Hi'll keep it shut all right. Kin Hi 'elp? 

Stent:. Help what? 

Gert. Ketch whatever you're after. 

Jack (winks at Steve over Gert's head). Of course 
you can help. That's what we came in here for. 

Sten'E. The first thing is, can you get us something 
to eat? 



WIVES TO BURN 1 9 

Gert. Hi — Hi reckon so. 

{Edges away from them very carefully and then 
holts into kitchen.) 

Jack. Pretty soft! Now if we can only get some 
clothes. 

Dick {at head of stairs). Well ! What have we here? 

Steve. Well, you see, we, that is 

Dick {comes down stairs). What do you call it? A 
side-show ? 

(Dick down r., Steve c, Jack l.) 

Steve. I, we Help us out, Mr. Whoever-you- 

are ! We just got out of the pest-house and 

Dick {makes flying leap for stairs). Pest-house! 
Good-night ! 

Steve {grabs his coat). There's nothing wrong with 
lis. Honest there isn't ! 

(Dick keeps as far away from Steve as possible, 
Steve still holding his coat.) 

Jack. My dad has a cattle ranch up near Lancaster 
and Steve there works for us. We blew into town about 
three days ago for a little vacation and took a room at 
the Savoy. The next day they found smallpox in the 
place and grabbed the whole bunch of us, but there is 
nothing wrong with us. 

Dick. Where did you get that layout? 

Steve. The nurses at the hospital where they took us 
were having a masquerade ball last night and we saw our 
chance to get away. We had no clothes, as they had 
taken ours to be fumigated, I suppose, so as we had noth- 
ing else to put on we snitched these and here we are. 

Dick. Oh yes! I read about you in the paper. {Ex- 
amines their clothing very gingerly.) Turkish costumes ! 
By George, if they aren't! Say! Talk about luck. 
{Shoves Steatl and Jack extreme l.) Wait a minute. 
{Starts for stairs then turns.) Now don't you go until I 
get back, will you? 



20 WIVES TO BURN 

Steve. Swell chance of going in this comic opera 
regalia. 

Dick (going upstairs). Oh, this will be a lulu! 

[Exits. 

Jack. I wonder what he's got up his sleeve. Maybe 
he's gone for the cops. Let's beat it while we can. 

(Starts for window.) 

Steve (holding Jack). No, it's something else, I 
know. We'll stick around and see. 

Dick (enters stairs followed by Rich). Look! 
(Points to Steve and Jack.) There's your harem all 
right. 

Rich (turns them around, examines them, etc.). 
Pretty good ! Pretty good ! Where did you get them ? 

Dick. They just escaped from the pest-house. 

Rich. Pest-house ! This is no place for me. 

(Starts for stairs; takes out handkerchief and rubs 
his hands.) 

Dick. Wait a minute ! There is no danger. They 
only happened to be in the house where the smallpox 
was and they were penned up as a precautionary meas- 
ure. 

Rich. If that's the case 

Steve. Sure! We're all right, aren't we, Jack? 

Jack. Hope to die if we're not. 

Dick. Don't you see? Here's your harem right to 
order. (Points to Ste\t£.) There's the INIajor Domo. 
(Points to Jack.) There's the favorite wife. 

Rich. By Jingo ! If it isn't. 

Steve. I don't know what you two fellows are talk- 
ing about but if you'll let us have some clothes to get out 
of town we'll be glad to pay you for the use of them 
and return them to you as soon as we get home. 

Dick. You say you are out on a vacation? 

Jack. Yes, we 

Dick. How would you like to make twenty-five dol- 
lars apiece for a couple of hours' work? 



WIVES TO BURN 21 

Steve. What doing? 

Dick. Nothing out of the way. You help us out and 
we'll furnish the clothes for you to get home. Come up 
to our room and we'll tell you all about it. 

[All exit by stairs. 

Gert (enters from, kitchen with tray of food). 'Ere's 
all Hi could scrape up. (Looks around.) W'y, they're 
gone ! 

Aunt (enters from kitchen). What might you be do- 
ing with that tray of food? 

Gert (scared). Well, you see, ma'am, Hi just 
brought it in because Hi, because Hi, just brought it 
in 

Aunt. Yes, I know you just brought it in, but what 
for? 

Gert. There was two detectives 'ere, ma'am, and 
they asked me for it. 

Aunt. Two detectives? (Gert nods.) Here? 
(She nods again.) Are you crazy? 

Gert. No, ma'am, hindeed Hi ain't. They was 'ere, 
so 'elp me, if they wasn't. They ast me for something 
to eat and Hi was afraid they would annihilate me hif 
Hi didn't get 'em something, so Hi did and you caught 
me and 'ere it is, ma'am. (Offers tray to Aunt.) 

Aunt. I don't want it, you idiot! Take it to the 
kitchen. (Gert starts toward kitchen.) Wait a minute: 
whose letter have you in your pocket? 

Gert (hands letter to Aunt). Hi found it, ma'am. 

Aunt (takes letter). I suppose so. More likely you 
were snooping around some place. (Reads address.) 
Mr. Parker. Humph! (Puts letter in pocket.) Take 
the tray back to the kitchen and be quick about it. 

Gert. Yes'm. [Exits to kitchen. 

Polly (enters c. d., runs to Aunt and grabs her 
around the neck). Don't let him touch me, please don't! 

Aunt. Don't let who touch you? 

Polly. A man ! He's been following us for a block 
and oh ! Look and see if Betty is all right. Hurry ! 
Hurry! (Shoves Aunt toward c. D.) 

Aunt (bewildered) . Betty who? 



22 WIVES TO BURN 

Polly. 'My friend, Betty King, the girl I room with. 

Do look, please! I (Betty appears c. d. brushing 

her hands.) Oh, Betty! Did he 

Betty {enters). No, he didn't, so don't worry. What 
did you run for ? 

Polly. I was afraid, of course. 

Betty. Of a man? Humph! 

Aunt. What does this mean? Who are you? 

Polly. I am Polly Palmer and this is my friend, 
Betty King. We were walking along in front of your 
house when a man came up and spoke to us and 

Betty. You, like a fool, ran ! 

Polly. Well, what could I do? 

Betty. Slap his face Hke I did. 

Polly. You didn't, Betty! 

Betty {imitating Polly). I did, Polly! 

Aunt. You did quite right, young lady. If there 
were more girls in the world like you, men wouldn't 
be so free as to accost women on the streets as they are 
now. 

Betty. Oh, I don't mind being accosted if he is a 
half-way decent sort of a fellow. (Polly signals to her 
to keep quiet.) But you should have seen this one. 
He {Notices Polly's signal.) 

Polly. Now that we are in here possibly you could 
give us some information, Mrs. • 

Aunt. Miss, if you please. Miss Bingle. 

Polly. We are employed at the Prince ^Moving Pic- 
ture Studio near here, at present, and were out looking 
for an apartment. Possibly you could direct us to a 
place. 

Aunt. Moving pictures ! I don't countenance them 
ver\' much. Do you have gentlemen friends call on 
you? 

Polly {smiling). Occasionally; not ver}' often. 

Aunt. Out much at night? 

Polly. Oh, occasionally. 

Aunt. Smoke cigarettes? 

Polly. Occa — ^— 

Betty. Polly ! 



WIVES TO BURN 23 

Polly (catching herself). Oh, no, no! Of course 
not. 

Aunt. You needn't jump at me. A lot of women 
do. I may be able to accommodate you. I have a few 
boarders and roomers and as it happens an apartment is 
vacant that will probably suit you. It's for two, right 
on this floor. Will your friend come with you? 

Betty. Yes ; we want to stay together. 

Aunt. You can furnish references, of course. 

Polly. Plenty. (Bert enters from library.) Good- 
evening, Bert ! 

Bert. Polly ! What are you doing here ? 

Polly. Miss Bingle has just rented us an apartment. 

Betty. Provided we don't smoke, stay out late at 
night, or have too many gentleman callers. 

Aunt (severely). No joking, if you please. If you 
are acquainted with my nephew, you will need no other 
references. (To Bert.) I will go and air the apart- 
ment. You can bring Miss Palmer up later. 

[Exits c. D. r. 

Bert. You'll like it here, Polly. Aunt Hetty isn't 
half as cross as she seems. 

Betty. Anybody else here? 

Bert. Mayme Clifford, cashier at the Universal City 
Cafeteria; Dick Girard, an Accountant with the Lou- 
perex Film Corporation, Rich Douglas, a clerk with the 
Santa Fe, and myself. 

Betty. Dick Girard and Rich Douglas! Do they 
live here? 

Bert. Yes. Do you know them? 

Betty. Er, slightly. 

Aunt (c. d.). Bert, will you come and help me with 
this window? It's stuck. 

Bert. In a moment. Aunt Hetty. (Aunt exits 
c. D. R.) Coming, Polly? 

Polly. We'll let Miss Bingle air the room out first. 
(Bert exits c. d. r.) We'll like it here, I know it. The 
place looks so homey and comfortable. 

Betty. The place looks all right, but I'm going to be 
in an awful fix. (Sits divan.) 



24 WIVES TO BURN 

Polly (at window). How so? 

(Lays purse on table and goes to mirror to straighten 
her hair, etc.) 

Betty. Why, with Dick Girard and Rich Douglas 
both in the same house with me. 

Polly. Who are they? I never heard you mention 
them. 

Betty. I know a lot of people you have never heard 
me mention. I met these two at one of the movie balls 
at the old Auditorium and they both fell in love with me, 
or said they did. They sent me candy and flowers and 
took me to the theatre and the Lord only knows what 
else they didn't do, or try to, until to tell the truth I 
hardly knew which one of them I liked best. 

Polly (sits beside table). But I don't see 

Betty. You will in a minute. As I say, they were 
both so nice I didn't know whether I liked Dickey Girard 
or Dickey Douglas the best. Both of them have Rich- 
ard for a Christian name, but Girard uses Dick while 
Douglas uses Rich. I called them both Dickey, and 
that's what caused all the trouble. * 

Polly. But where does the trouble come in? 

Betty. Dick Girard proposed time and time again 
but I always held him off just to see what Douglas 
would do. About tvv^o weeks ago Girard proposed again 
and I sent him away. Douglas came in about ten min- 
utes later and tried to propose to me, I know he did, but 
he hadn't the courage, and after two or three attempts 
he left. In about twenty minutes I got a 'phone call and 
a voice came over the wire saying, " Betty, this is Dickey. 
Will you marry me?" I was still thinking of Douglas 
and I said '* Yes " before I thought. The voice answered 
" Thank Heaven ! I've got you at last " and the 'phone 
was hung up and for the life of me I couldn't tell 
whether it was Dick Girard or Rich Douglas, and I've 
never had the nerve to ask them for fear I ask the 
wrong one ! 

Polly. For heaven's sake, Betty! Such a predica- 
ment to be in. 

Betty. Isn't it? I want Rich Douglas, I know jt 



WIVES TO BURN 25 

now, but if I ask him if he proposed to me he'll think Tm 
a fool, whether he did or didn't, and ii would be the same 
thing with Girard and they are both just a,s nice as they 
always were and 

Polly. But hasn't Mr. Girard proposed again since 
that day? You said he was always proposing to you. 

Betty. He proposed to me almost every day until- the 
day I got that 'phone call, then he quit. 

Polly. Hasn't the other one said anything? 

Betty (half crying): I haven't even seen him since, 
and oh, P-P-PoUy ! I'm that miserable. It's awful to be 
engaged and not to know who to. 

Bert {enters c. d. r.). Come on! Everything is 
ready. You have the nicest apartment in the house. I 
know you will like it. [They exit c. d. r. 

Dick {enters by stairs, followed by Rich, Steve and 
Jack). Now, whatever you do, pull it off right. 

Rich. There's twenty-five dollars apiece in it for you 
if you do. 

Jack. And ten days and costs if we don't. 

Steve. Shut up ! {To Dick. ) I'm to come here in 
about half an hour with Jack and ask for Bert Parker. 
Then give him this letter {Shows letter.) and tell him I 
come from his Uncle Daniel in Turkey, I mean from his 
Uncle Daniel's solicitors in Turkey. 

Rich. That's the dope. 

Steve. How will I know what to say? 

Dick. You'll have to use your brains. Whatever 
you do, though, don't get stuck. 

Rich. You can say that you are his uncle's old serv- 
ant, and that before he died he commissioned you to 
bring his favorite wife Little Bevo, Bert ought to get a 
kick out of that name, to his beloved nephew in America. 
All that kind of bunk, you know. 

Jack. And I'm to be the wife? 

Rich. Yes. 

Jack. What will I say? 

Dick. You keep your mouth shut unless you are 
spoken to. You're not supposed to know much English. 

Steve. But suppose I do get stuck? 



26 WIVES TO BURN 

Dick. You won't. 

Steve. But if he asks me about his uncle? 

Dick. He's dead. DecHne to talk about the dead. 

Rich. Tell him it's against your religion. 

Dick. Come right up to the front door and ask for 
the Honorable Effendi Parker. I think that's the handle 
they use in Turkey. I'll see that he's here for you. 

Rich. Now beat it up to our room and stay there. 
We'll let you know when to make your entrance. 

Jack. And after we make our entrance I'll bet we 
make our exit pretty darn quick. 

Steve. Aw ! Gome on and shut up. You're a reg- 
ular calamity howler. [They exit by stairs. 

Rich. I believe I'm going to enjoy this. 

Dick. Say ! We're a good pair of dubs ! 

Rich. What's the matter now? 

Dick. We forgot to get the girl ! 

Rich. What girl? 

Dick. Why Polly, of course! She's got to be here 
or the whole thing is kerflooey and Bert's been too 
darned smart to ever let us know where she lives. 
(Polly enters c. d.) Oh, Polly, Polly, where are you? 

Polly. Right here! That is Were you calling 

me? 

Dick (shortly). No, I wasn't. 

Polly. But I distinctly heard you. I beg your par- 
don though ; there are evidently plenty of Pollys in the 
world beside myself. 

Rich (hesitatingly). Could it be possible that you 
are Polly Palmer, Mr. Parker's friend? 

Polly (smiling). Yes, I believe I am. 

Dick (clasps hands and raises eyes). Thank good- 
ness! (To Polly.) And you are the Polly that he has 
talked so much about? 

Polly (interested). Has he talked about me much? 

Rich. Has he talked about you much ? Ye gods ! 

Dick. You are the dream of his life, the ideal of his 
existence, the 

Polly. Oh, how interesting! I always thought he 
was rather quiet. And you are friends of his? 



WIVES TO BURN 27 

Rich. We are supposed to be. 

Polly (takes them by the arm). Come right over 
here and we'll have a nice long chat. 

(Starts toward divan as 'phone rings.) 

Rich. See who is wanted, Dick. 

(Dick goes to 'phone as Rich and Polly sit on divan. 
They converse as Dick answers 'phone.) 

Dick. Yes, this is Hollywood 543. He isn't here just 

at present Yes, I can take a message for him. 

What's that? Say that again! .And 

you mean that he gets $400,000 ? 

Rich {running to 'phone). What's that about $400,- 
000? 

Dick {paying no attention to him).' He gets all of it, 
provided he — three hundred pounds? {Turns and looks 
at Polly.) No! There isn't a chance. He's already 
hooked. No ! No ! No ! Wait a minute ; he has until 
seven o'clock to-morrow night ? All right ! I'll tell him. 
{Hangs up receiver.) $400,000! Oh, what a lump of 
money to be wished on you, just wished on you. 

Polly {takes purse from table). You have evidently 
received some very interesting news. We can finish our 
little talk later. [Exits c. D. R. 

Dick. Could you beat it ! 

Rich. Well, spill it! What is it? 

Mayme {enters stairs). Where's your harem? . 

Dick. Bert's picked. 

Mayme. Picked what? Elucidate! Elucidate! 

Dick. Picked for the Perkins fortune. 

Mayme {falls in chair). You don't mean it! Yuh 
haven't been hittin' the pipe or anything like that, have 
yuh ? 

Dick. No, I haven't. Bert's the lucky guy. What do 
you know about that ? 

Rich. But the paper said he had to marry a woman 
weighing three hundred pounds and she {Points c. d.) 
don't weigh half that much. 



28 WIVES TO BURN 

Mayme. There's nothin' to it. We gotta take this 
case in hand. 

Dick. But what can isje do? He's as stubborn as an 
ox and you know what he thinks of that girl. 

Rich. I don't blame him at that, for she's a pippin. 

Mayme {taking both to c. of stage). Look here, 
you two! All bets is off. We started in to play a joke 
on Bert but we've got to get at this thing in dead earnest. 
He's gotta get that $400,000 if we have to knock him 
down and drag him to it. We'll go right ahead with 
this scheme of ours, only it ain't gonna be in fun from 
now on. We've got to make her turn him down, for it's 
a cinch he won't throw her over, even if it is for $400,- 
000. 

Dick. And when she does throw him down, we have 
to marry him to three hundred pounds and quick. 

Rich. Some job! Who knows a woman weighing 
three hundred pounds? Any on your visiting list, Dick? 

Dick. Heavens no ! 

Mayme. We can't stand here and fool. We gotta 
act. About the first thing we'll have to do is fix things 
with Aunt Het, so if we pull off anything she won't queer 
it. She'll do anything for Bert; you know how dippy 
she is over him. Then the next thing is make this here 
Polly Jane turn him down. Does anybody know where 
she is or how to get to her? 

Rich. She's right here in this house. Just rented 
an apartment from Aunt Het this evening. I was talk- 
ing to her not ten minutes ago. 

Mayme. Fine shootin' ! That makes it easier. She 
ain't never seen none of Bert's friends 

Rich. Dick and I were having a talk with her when 
we got the word about Bert. 

Mayme. Well, you didn't spill anything, did yuh? 

Rich. Did we, Dick? 

Dick. Of course not ; we hacln't time. 

Mayme. So far, so good. {Counts on fingers.) 
Now if we fix Aunt Het, I run in on him as his divorced 
wife, you two line him up with 4he harem lady and Gert 
pulls off the deserted wife stunt, what more do we need? 



WIVES TO BURN 29 

HiCH. A woman that weighs three hundred pounds ; 
that's the most important thing of all. 

Mayme. Don't worry about that; we'll get one all 
right. Go get Aunt Het in here and we'll fix things up 
with her first. 

Dick (calls at kitchen door). Miss Bingle! May we 
speak to you a moment, please ? 

Aunt (enters from kitchen). What is it, Mr. Girard? 

Dick. Something has turned up to-night, Miss 
Bingle, that is rather hard to explain. , 

Mayme. What's bitin' yuh ? There ain't nothin' hard 
to explain about it. (To Aunt.) Bert's fell heir to 
$400,000. 

Aunt. Land of Love! Who from? 
^ . Rich. Lydia Prudence Perkins, whoever the deuce 
she is, or was. 

Aunt. But he's not related to the Perkinses. 

Mayme (hands Aunt paper and points to place). 
There ! Read that ! Don't 1 wish $400,000 would drop 
down and biff me on the bean like that ! Oh boy ! What 
I couldn't do with it. 

Aunt. But this don't mention Bert? 

Dick. Finish it. 

Aunt (reading). "And a drawing is to take place 
to decide which of the young men of the city is to be her 
heir." You don't mean to tell me that Bert's name was 
drawn ? 

Dick. That's exactly what we do mean to tell you. 
He gets all that money provided 

Mayme. Yes, provided. Every time there's anything 
good comin' to you some old joy-chaser has to hang the 
crepe on it with a " provided." 

Dick. Provided he marries a woman weighing three 
hundred pounds before to-morrow night. >- 

Aunt: But he doesn't know any one weighing three 
hundred pounds. And imagine how they would look to- 
gether if he did find one. 

Rich. It isn't how they would look, it's how he would 
feel if he lets that money get away from him. 

Mayme. Now he's stuck on a dame 



30 WIVES TO BURN 

Aunt. He's what? 

Mayme. He's in love with a young lady named Polly 
Palmer. 

Aunt. Polly Palmer ! I just rented a room to a 
young lady by that name. 

Mayme. We know you did and it's mighty lucky for 
Bert you did. He's been a-ravin' and a-talkin' about 
this skirt for the last year — simply nuts over her. Says 
he's gonna marry her. 

Aj::nt. He never said anything to me about it. 
NeA'er even mentioned he knew her. 

Mayme. Well, what of it? You don't expect a guy 
to run to his auntie ever}- time he kisses his girl, do you ? 

Dick. Now we've got to break this off. 

^Iayme. Yea Bo ! What's a girl like this here Polly 
dame compared to $400,000? So we're gonna get busy.' 

Aunt. But why should you interest yourselves in 
this? 

Dick. Aren't we friends of his? 

Rich. x\nd as we know he won't help himself, some 
one has to do it for him. 

^1ay:me. Now, we're gonna pull something off here 
to-night and no matter what turns up you are to keep 
mum. 

Aunt {offended). Young lady! This is my house 
and 

Mayme. Think of the $400,000 and Bert. 

Aunt. What do you intend doing? 

Dick. We are going to make Polly turn Bert down, 
for it's a cinch he'll never throw her over. 

Aunt. No, Bert is too much of a gentleman to do 
that. 

Rich. Neither one of them, I suppose, would listen 
to reason, so we have decided upon a scheme. 

Aunt. I don't care to be a party to any scheme. 

(Starts toward kitchen.) 

Maym£. But think of that $400,000. 
Aunt. Well, so long as there is nothing dishonest 
about it. 



WIVES TO BURN 3I 

Mayme (winks at boys). There ain't; don't worry 
none. This here dame is one of these straight-laced, 
long-whiskered kind, that don't believe in dancin' or 
anything like that, so we figured up that if she thinks 
Bert isn't just the kind of a gink she is, she'd turn him 
down. 

Aunt. But suppose they really love each other ? 

Dick. Suppose they do : Bert can marry the fat 
woman 

Rich. If he can find one. 

Dick (continuing). Get the money, divorce her, and 
then marry Polly. 

Rich. If she'll have him second-handed. 

Mayme. Say ! Can't you think of something else 
to croak about? Of course she'll have him. What girl 
wouldn't if he had $400,000 to dangle in front of her ? 

Aunt. And just how are you going to bring all this 
about ? 

Mayme. First, we're gonna get Bert and Polly here 
in this room, together, when we have a nice little surprise 
from the Orient to spring on them and take it from me, 
kid, it's a peach. 

Aunt. Miss Qifford! Please understand I'm not a 
kid I I dislike the word very much. 

Mayme. Sorry, dearie, if I said anything to lacerate 
your feelin's, but you know me, Al. Anyhow, if the 
oriental stunt don't work, I'm gonna claim him as me 
divorced husband, and if that don't work we're gonna 
run Gert in on him as his deserted wife. 

Aunt. Gert ! Don't depend on her for anything. If 
you do, she will be sure to spoil it. Besides 

Dick. It isn't a case of besides at all, Miss Bingle; 
if Bert is to get that $400,000 we can't choose the way 
and means of him getting it. 

Aunt.' Very well ! I'll wash my hands of the whole 
affair. You can go as far as you like and do as you 
please without interference from me, but even to gain 
$400,000, I can hardly approve of your plans. 

(Starts for kitchen.) 



32 WIVES TO BURN 

Mayme. Send Gert in, will yuh? 

Aunt. I'll send her in but I think you are a fool to 
put any dependence in her help. [Exits to kitchen. 

Mayme. Gee ! I thought she'd yelp worse'n she did. 
Now we'll line up Gert, but we won't use her unless we 
have to, for brains she has nix. 

Rich. But I don't think we can pull this off this way. 
We 

Dick. P'or heaven's sake don't croak! If you can't 
boost, keep your mouth shut. 

Gert (enters from kitchen). Miss Bingle said as *ow 
you axed to see me. 

Dick. Gert, could you tell a lie? 

Gert. Huh ? 

Dick, Could you tell a lie, for, say, ten dollars ? 

Gert. For ten dollars Hi could lie like a trooper! 

Mayme. Oh! The naughty little brat! Would you 
listen at it ! 

Dick. That's the way to talk ! Were you ever in 
love ? 

Gert. Huh ? 

Dick. Were you ever in love? 

Gert (scratches head and studies a moment). Yus, 
wunst ! With the hiceman. Hi loved 'im for yars and 
yars. Took 'im out and treated 'im to hice-cream and 
beer and trype and sponge C3''ke. Many's and many's a 
time Hi did, but 'e wouldn't propowse, 'e wouldn't. Told 
me to wyte. So Hi wyted and w^yted and wyted, like a 
blitherin' idjut and then 'e up and married the cook. 

Rich. Ouch ! I should hope he would marry the 
cook ! Ice-cream and beer and tripe and sponge cake. 
Some combination to win a man. 

Dick. If you've ever been in love you will know 
how to act. Mr. Parker has just fallen heir to $40x3,- 
000 

Gert. Four hundred thousand dollars! All in wun 
lump? 

Dick. Yes. 

Gert (grabs her forehead and staggers). Grasp me, 
somebody, grasp me ! Hi'm goin* to faints Hi know 



WIVES TO BURN 33 

Hi am. Oh, hif it 'ad only 'appened to me; maybe Hi 
could 'a' got a man. 

Dick {smiling). To get this money he has to many 
a woman weighing three hundred pounds before to- 
morrow night. 

Gert. Three hundred pounds ? 

Dick. Yes, three hundred pounds. 

Gert (earnestly). Don't you ever let 'er set on 'is 
knee. Don't you ever let 'er do it. Lord pity 'im hif 
she does. The hiceman only weighed two hundred and 
fifty, 'e did, and wunst 'e set on mine. (Illustrates.) 
You see. Hi was a-settin' 'ere and 'e come to me, 'e 
did- — 

Mayme. Sure! Sure! We know all about that, 
dearie. Now let us spiel a while. Mr. Parker is dead 
in love with a dame that I suppose don't weigh none 
over one hundred and ten. (Looks at Rich.) 

Rich. About that. 

Mayme. And he wouldn't throw her over for twice 
$400,000, so we want to bust up the combination. 

Gert. Oh, Hi see ! Just like Hi'd like to bust up the 
combination between the hiceman and the cook. 

Mayme. You got me, kid, the first time. Now she 
won't turn him down unless she thinks she has a good 
cause, so we want you to represent yourself as Mr. 
Parker's deserted wife and 

Gert (startled). 'Oo? Me? 

Dick. Of course you; that's why Fve been telling 
you all this. 

Gert (positively). Nothing doing! Not for me. 
'E'd bash me wun on the 'ead, 'e would. 

(Starts toward kitchen.) 

Rich. Wait a minute ; we'll make it $25. 

Gekt (shakes head). Nope! 

Dick. Thirty-five dollars. 

Gert. Nope ! Not for $50. 

Rich. We'll make it $50. 

Gert. N-n-n-nope ! I'm skeered ! 

Mayme. Sixty dollars and that's the highest we'll go. 



34 WIVES TO BURN 

Gert. Would Hi 'ave to kiss 'im? 

Rich. You could if you liked. 

Gert. And you wouldn't let 'im bash me hif Hi did? 

Dick. I should say not. There'll be no bashing go- 
ing on around this house. Don't worry on that score. 

Gert. Hi alius did want to kiss a man to see 'ow 'e'd 
tyke it. 

(Rich and Dick make faces and turn away from her.) 

Mayme. It's a go then. 

Gert {hesitatingly) . Hi suppose so, but Hi'm gettin' 
skeered already. You're sure 'e won't bash me ? 

Dick. I'll see that he don't. Here, Rich ! You take 
her along and hne her up as to what she is to do. 

Rich {taking her arm). Come along, Gert! 

Gert. Ho Lud! Hi'm skeered already! 'E'll call 
in the Bobby, Hi know 'e will. 

Rich. Come on ! We'll see that nothing happens to 
you. [They exit by stairs. 

Dick {to Mayme). Now you get fixed up for his 
divorced wife. Polly surely won't stand for a divorce. 
And say ! Represent yourself as a burlesque actress 
from one of the places down on Main Street. You can 
do it. 

Mayme. Do it ! Watch me ! I'll come In as Lulu 
Paralyzer of the Hot Shot - Burlesquers and I'll be so 
tough I'll squeak when I walk. You just watch Little 
Eva. Now I'll go and put on me glad rags and you dig up 
Bert and his little angel {Walks to c. d.) and then we'll 
spring the big surprise. Good Heavens ! Here they 
come. 

{They exit stairs as Bert and Polly enter c. d.) 

Bert. I'm mighty glad you're here with Aunt Hetty. 
She's a good scout and you'll like her. 

Polly. Yes, it will be nice. I have so few friends 
in the city. I only met Betty about a month ago but she's 
been lovely with me. (Mayme and Dick at head of 
stairs.) Oh, if I could only find my brother! 



WIVES TO BURN 



35 



{Sits on divan, Bert beside her.) 

Bert. You will, I know you will. Then you always 
have me, you know. 

Polly. You are sure, Bert, you never could care for 
another girl as you do for me ? 

Bert. Indeed I am ! Quite sure. 

Polly. And there never was another girl in your life 
before I entered it? 

Bert. No, never! 

Mayme. Same old stuff they all peddle! 

Dick. Ssssh! 

Bert. Since I met you, Polly, I've been a changed 
man, while, as I say I have never cared for a girl before, 
still you have exerted a wonderful influence over me and 
I know you always will. 

Mayme. Say ! This is too good to waste a harem on 
it. Let me step in now ; we can use the harem later. 

(Bert and Polly converse.) 

Dick. But Mayme 

Mayme. Didn't you hear him say there'd never been 
another girl in his life before? Here's our chance. If 
she finds out there has, it'll be one in our favor, won't 
it? {Goes down-stairs.) Hello! Bert, old top ! How's 
the kid? 

Bert {surprised). Why, hello! Mayme! What's 
up? 

Mayme. Oh, nothin' much ! Was just passing along 
and thought I'd drop in and see you. 

Bert. Passing along ! What on earth are you talking 
about ? 

Mayme. Aw quit your kiddin', Bertie dear, quit your 
kiddin'. 

Polly {rising). Who is this, Bert, dear? 

Mayme. " Bert, dear ! " So you've fell for him, too, 
have yuh ? 

Polly. Who are you? 

Mayme. Me? Great grief! She don*t know me. 
Why, I thought everybody did. I'm Lulu Paralyzer of 
the Hot Shot Burlesquers playin' down at the Follies. 



36 WIVES TO BURN 

Bert. Mayme, a joke is a joke, but this has gone 
about far enough. What do you want ? 

Mayme. Now, Bertie, old dear. You didn't used to 
talk to me like that. 

Polly. Didn't used to Bert, who is this? 

Mayme. Ain't he never told you about his divorced 
wife? 

Polly (horrified). His — ^his divorced wife! 

Mayme. Sure! Pm it! 

Bert. Why, Mayme! 

Polly. Do you mean to tell me that you, you were 
married to himf (Points to Bert.) 

Mayme (fixing her hair). Yep! I was his sweet 
cookie once upon a time. 

Bert. Now cut this out, Mayme ! I can stand a joke 
as well as any one, but this is past all endurance. 

Mayme. . It's a " past " all right but it was never no 
joke to me. When a perfectly respectable innocent girl 
divorces her husband to marry you and you turn her 
down flat after they've been married two months, it's far 
from being a joke, Pll tell the world. 

Dick (coming down-stairs). Hello, Mayme! You 
and Bert made up? 

Polly (to Bert). Oh, you monster! You male vam- 
pire ! And to think I trusted you. I'll never, forgive 
you, never! Here's your ring. (Throws ring at Bert's 
feet.) Good-bye! [Exits c. d. r. 

Bert. Polly! Polly, I say! (Picks up ring.) Her 
ring! (Sits at table.) She's thrown me down! Now 
what will I do? 

Mayme (goes to Bert and holds her face close to his). 
You might kiss your little Lulu, Bertie dear ! 



CURTAIN 



ACT 11 

SCENE. — The same as in Act I. 

{Characters should occupy same positions as those 
which they held at close of Act I.) 

Bert (speaks as though dazed). She threw me down, 
and gave me back my ring ! 

Dick {motions to Mayme and they go extreme l., 
Bert paying no attention to them). He's taking it pretty- 
hard. 

Mayme. He'll get over it. Wait until he gets his 
mitts on that $400,000. I didn't think it was gonna be 
so easy. We can let the harem go now, can't we? 

Dick. Not on your life! There might be a come- 
back. You take a run up-stairs. {Starts Mayme 
toward stairs.) I'll stay and try to hammer into his head 
that he really was married to you. Trot along. (Mayme 
goes toward stairs, chucking Bert under chin as she 
passes him. He pays no attention to her,. She exits by 
stairs, laughing. Dick slaps Bert on shoulder.) Cheer 
up, old chap. It might be worse ! 

Bert. But she threw me down, she (Rises.) 

Why did Mayme tell that lie ? 

Dick. What lie? 

Bert. Now don't you try to run anything in on me. 
You know what I mean ; about her being my divorced 
wife. You know I never had a wife and of course 
couldn't be divorced. 

Dick. How should I know? I don't believe Mayme 
would tell anything but the truth. 

Bert (astounded). What! You too? Now, Dick! 

You know better than that. You know I never was 

I'm going to find her and straighten this thing out. 

37 



38 WIVES TO BURN 

She'll believe me, I know she will. {Starts c. D., meeting 
Betty as she enters.) Well! Can't you watch where 
you are going? [Exits c. d. r. 

Betty. Of all the rude, impertinent men I ever met, 
Bert Parker, you have them all beat. 

Dick. You here, too, Betty? 

Betty. Certainly! (Goes forward.) I took an 
apartment here with Polly Palmer. That reminds me; 
I came to see what happened to her. She came tearing 
into our room a moment ago as though shot out of a 
gun. I asked her what was wrong and she nearly took 
my head off. Do you know what's the matter? 

Dick (with elaborate indifference). N-n-no, I can't 
say that I do. 

Betty. Can't or won't? 

Dick. Whichever you prefer. 

Betty. What's the matter with you, Dick Girard? 
For the last two weeks you haven't been like yourself. 
You've ignored me, simply ignored me, as though I had 
the plague. (Pauses a moment and glances at Dick.) 
You proposed to me almost every day for months and 
'two weeks ago you quit. Why? 

Dick. You didn't expect me to keep it up forever, did 
you? Your last answer satisfied me. 

Betty. IMy last answer? Dick dear, just what was 
my last answer? 

Dick. As though you could forget that! 

Betty. Then you were perfectly satisfied with it? 

Dick. Absolutely, my dear. 

Betty. Then why have you changed so lately? 

Dick. Oh, I guess I met another girl. Hollywood 
is full of them, you know. [Exits by stairs, smiling. 

Betty. The mean, hateful, nastv^ thing! 

Polly (enters c. d. r.). We are going to leave this 
house right away, Betty King! 

Betty. Oh. are we? You may be; I'm not. 

Polly. But I can't stay, Betty, I just can't ? 

Betty. Why ? 

Polly. Well, just because. 

Betty. Not a very good reason, my dear. I like it 



WIVES TO BURN 39 

here ; it's close to the studio and I haven't found out 
which of those tv^o fellov^s I promised to marry yet. 

Bert {enters c. d. r.). Polly! You don't believe her 
story about me, do you? Say you don't! Please do. 
(Polly tosses her head and turns her hack , to him.) 
Betty ! You talk to her. You tell her. 

Betty. Tell her w^hat? 

Bert. That I'm not married. 

Betty. Who said you vv^ere? 

Bert. Mayme said I was married to her and di- 
vorced 



Polly. There ! You know her name, 'don't you ? 

Bert. Of course I know her name. Why shouldn't 
I ? Pve lived with her ever since I came to Los Angeles. 

Polly. Lived with her ! 

Bert. You know what I mean. Boarded with her, 
here in this house. 

Polly. All right! Stay v^ith her! I'm sure / don't 
want you. {Exits c. D. 

Betty {puzzled). What's it all about? 

Bert. That's what I'm trying to find out. {Sits on 
divan, Betty sitting beside him.) Polly and I were en- 
gaged. We never had the date set for the wedding but 
she was all the world to me. Just imagine, Betty. Sup- 
pose you were all the world to somebody ■— 

Betty. Oh ! I am ! I am ! 

Bert. You are? 

Betty. Yes, and I don't know who to, but go on. 

Bert. To-night, as you know, Polly took a room here 
with Aunt Hetty and I thought how nice everything was 
going to be and then Mayme came in and for some rea- 
son or other " busted " it, *' busted " it flat. 

Betty. How ? 

Polly {enters c. d. dressed for street). I am sorry 
to leave you, Betty, but if you won't go, I must. I am 
going back to Mrs. Stoneman's. If you decide to come 
later I will be glad to have you. 

Bert {going toward Polly). Polly! 

{She turns her hack on him.) 



40 WIVES TO BURN 

Polly {starts for door). Good-night! 

Betty {intercepting her). Don't be a fool, Polly, just 
because you know how. Suppose he was married to 
this Mayme, whoever she may be. He is divorced from 
her, I suppose. I'll get out and you can talk things over. 
{Whispers.) Show a little bit of horse sense, at least. 

[Exits c. D. 

Bert. Why, Polly, I've known Mayme Clifford for 
the past three years. 

Polly. Most people do know their wives. 

Bert. Why won't you believe me? She never was 
my wife. She has simply roomed here. She has been 
just like a sister to me. She is a mighty good scout and 
I suppose this is her idea of a joke (Mayme at head of 
stairs.) but I don't get it. 

Polly. Are you telling the truth, Bert? 

Bert. Of course I am. 

Polly. And you never cared for this Mayme a little 
bit? 

Bert. Care for Mayme Qifford in comparison with 
you? Most certainly not! 

Polly; If you are sure? 

Bert {takes her hands). Sure? Of course I am! 
{Leads her to window.) There's no one on the porch. 
Suppose we go out there and talk things over where we 
won't be disturbed. [They exit window. 

(Mayme goes to window and looks out as Gert ap- 
pears at head of stairs. ) 

Gert. Pssst ! Pssst ! Do Hi bust in 'ere ? 

Mayme {at foot of stairs). No, you bust out! Beat 
it! 

Rich {at top of stairs). Here, Gert! How did you 
get here? Don't do anything until I tell you. Go on up 
to the room and stay there. {Goes dozvn-stairs.) 

Gert. But when do Hi bust in ? 

Rich. I'll tell you when to " bust " In. Now git ! 

Gert. Well, when Hi do bust in, you're sure 'e won't 
bash me? 

Rich {runs upstairs and shoves her off). If he don't 



WIVES TO BURN 4I 

I will! Go back where you came from and stay there! 
(Gert exits.) Aunt Het was right. {Goes down- 
stairs.) That girl will run me into nervous prostration 
if this thing don't come to a head quick. First she wants 
to " bust " in ; then she's " skeered " to death and wants 
to " bust " out. 

Dick {enters stairs). How's things going, sister? 

Mayme. They've made up. 

Dick {coming down-stairs). No! 

Mayme {going to window). Look! 

{All look out window.) 

Dick. I'll tell the world they have. Oh, Mama! 
{They go hack c.) Now what? 

Mayme. The harem lady, of course. Where is she? 

Dick. Out on the back porch. 

Aunt {enters from kitchen). Has any one seen Bert? 

Mayme. I'll say we have. 

Rich {looking toward window). You and me both. 

Aunt. Please do not use such English I You know 
how I dislike slang. Have you seen anything of my 
nephew, Mr. Parker? I have a letter for him. 

Mayme {going to window). Have a look! 

Aunt {looks out window). Why, the bold thing! 
{Short pause.) Oh! The idea! Her head is on his 
shoulder! 

Mayme. For the love o' mud ! Where'd yuh suppose 
it would be? 

Aunt. And he has his arm around her waist! - 

Dick. I wish mine was there ! 

Aunt {puts hand over her eyes). Oh! He kissed 
her! 

Rich. Darned fool if he didn't. 

Aunt {going c). When he is through give him this 
letter. 

{Gives letter to Dick and exits kitchen.) 

Gert {at head of stairs). Now do Hi bust hin? 

Mayme. ") 

Dick. ^ No! 

Rich. ; [Gert exits. 



42 WIVES TO BURN 

Mayme. She'll queer this thing yet ! 
{Goes to window.) 

Dick {putting letter in pocket). Rich, you go out and 
line up the harem. Have them all ready in the hail when 
needed and be sure no one sees you. I thought Mayme 
had things all fixed but evidently he has recovered from 
that blow. 

Mayme. They're coming in! 

Dick. Come on ! Let's beat it ! [All exit c. d. l. 

Bert {enters window zvith Polly). Aren't you 
ashamed, dear, of having doubted me? 

{They sit divan.) 

Polly, Yes, I am; I'll admit it frankly. I don't 
know what could have gotten into me and I'll never do it 
again. I might as well confess, Bert, that one of my 
failings is a little trace of jealousy. I feel ashamed of it, 
but I just can't help it. 

Bert. You can trust me, dear, never to give you any 
cause for being jealous of me. (Ste\'e and Jack ap- 
pear c. D., Dick and Rich behind urging them in. As 
Bert and Polly turn, Dick and Rich disappear.) 
What have we here? {Goes toward c. d.) Looks like 
an ad for Fatimas. 

Steve {clears throat loudly and advances majestically 
toward center of stage, foUcnved by Jack). Is the Hon- 
orable Effendi Parker within? 

(Bert l. c, Polly l., Ste\'e r. c, Jack r.) 

Bert. My name is Parker, but I don't know about 
the Eff endi end of it. Who are you ? 

Ste\'e {aside to Jack, zvho should be close behind 
him). Jiminy! What is my name? 

Jack {aside, shrugs shoulders). Search me! 

Ste\'t: {aside to Bert). My name? What matters a 
name? A Turk 

Jack {aside). By any other name would smell as 
strong. 

Ste\-e (aside). Shut up! {Aloud to Bert.) My 
name is Ibriham. 



WIVES TO BURN 43 

Bert. All right, Ibbie, what can I do for you ? 

Steve {taking letter from bosom). I have here a let- 
ter from the solicitor of thine uncle, the Effendi Daniel. 

Bert {taking letter). From his solicitor? I have 
been looking for a letter from Uncle Dan for a long time, 
{Opens and reads letter.) Uncle Dan dead! When did 
he die? 

Steve {to Jack). When did he die? 

Jack. Search me ! . 

Steve {to Bert). Er, two months ago, your excel- 
lency. 

Bert. No wonder I didn't hear from him. What was 
the cause of his death? 

Jack {aside, pulling Steve's garment). Let's get out 
of here. He's asking too many questions. 

Steve {aside). Shut up ! 

Bert {looking up from letter). What did you say? 

Steve He died of — of — of {Is reaching hack 

pulling Jack's clothes to have him help him; aside.) 
What did he die of? What did he die of ? 

Jack {aside). Search me! 

Steve {gives Jack a jab in the ribs; aside). What did 
he die of? 

Jack {aside, angry). Aw! Tell him the itch! 

Steve. He died of the itch. 

Bert"^ 1 (together). The itch! 

Steve. Yes, Hungarian itch. The kind you scratch. 
(Illustrates.) You know. 

(Polly and Bert look at each other.) 

Jack (aside). How could he die of the Hungarian 
itch andlive in Turkey? 

Steve (aside to Jack). You shut up! (To Bert.) 
Finish the letter, Effendi. 

Bert (reads).- " You have no doubt heard of the de- 
plorable conditions in Turkey. Your uncle lost prac- 
tically all his money before his death." (Speaks.) No 
wonder he stopped sending me my $50 per. (Reads.) 



44 WIVES TO BURN 

" However, there was enough left to bury him decently. 
Before he died he made one request, which he stated, 
considering all he had tried to do for you, he knew you 
would not refuse honoring. He is sending you his f-a- 
vorite wife, asking that you keep and guard her well." 
(Speaks.) His favorite wife? How many had he? 

Ste\^. Fifty-seven, Eifendi. 

Jack, Yes, fifty-seven different varieties. I'm the 
biggest pickle in the bunch. 

Ste\t (aside, kicking backward at Jack). Shut your 
fool mouth ! 

Bert (reads). "He made the request that you take 
her into your home and care for her as your own, as a 
little recompense for what he had tried to do for you 
ever since your mother died. His last request was that 
if you felt you owed him anvthing you would be good to 
Little Bevo ! " (Speaks. ) Little Bevo ! 

Jack (runs to Bert; kneels and bows his head to the 
floor). Here I am, Master! (Polly shows anger.) 

Bert (stepping back). Here! Cut that out! This 
isn't Turkev. (To Ste\'e.) But what am I to do with 
her? 

Polly. Send her right back to Turkey, of course! 

Bert. But, Polly dear 

Polly. Don't " Polly dear " me ! Get rid of that aw- 
ful woman. Look at her ! She isn't half dressed. 

Jack (rises and goes over his clothing). I have 'em 
on right, haven't I? 

Ste\'e (grabs him and shoves him r., standing be- 
tween him and Bert). Cut it out, you fool. Cut it out! 

Bert. Now look here, Abie 

Ste\^ (bending very low). Ibriham, Elfendi ! 

Bert. All right, Ibriham. I can't keep that Turkish 
cigarette here. 

Jack (aside). Did you hear what he called me? I 
won't stand for that. 

Ste\t.. Hold your horse. Do you want to queer the 
whole thing? (To Bert.) It was thine uncle's express 
command that his beloved wife Bevo be given a home by 
his most beloved nephew, the Honorable Effendi Parker. 



WIVES TO BURN 45 

(Bozvs.) If he does not take her and care for her the 
jewels 

Polly. Jewels! What jewels? 

Steve {turning to Polly with a look of disdain). Be 
silent ! Woman ! By the Beard of the Prophet ! Didst 
thou belong to me I would teach thee when to speak and 
when to hold thy tongue. 

Polly (aghast). Why, why— — (To Bert.) Are 
you going to stand there and let him insult me like this ? 

Bert. Look here, Ibriham, you may talk to a woman 
like that in Turkey but we don't do it in America. 

Steve (waves his hand as though it were a matter of 
no consequence). Let it pass, let it pass. Why should 
we disturb ourselves over the blatting of a female ? 

(Mayme, Rich and Dick seen at window.) 

Polly. Female ! Blatting of a female ! (Half cry- 
ing. ) Bert ! He called me a female and he says I 
b-b-blat ! 

Bert. Oh, for heaven's sake, Polly ! Let him get 
through with his story. What about the jewels ? 

Steve. The jewels, Effendi, are priceless. They are 
worth a fortune and they all go to thee, provided thou 
dost provide a home for this pearl of the Orient, (Points 
to Jack.) this star of the evening, this dream of delight, 
beside whom yon woman (Points to Polly.) looks as 
does the cumbersome elephant when compared to the 
graceful gazelle ! 

(Mayme, Rich and Dick convidsed with laughter.) 

Polly (gasping). Bert! He called me an elephant. 
(Cries.) I won't stand for it, I tell you I won't. 

Bert. Oh, Polly, please have a little sense. 

Polly. A little sense! You stand there and tell me 
to have a little sense when a man stands there and calls 
me an elephant right to my face. Boo-hoo! (Cries.) 

Bert. He's only a Turk. 

Polly. I don't care what he is. He's no gentleman ; 
neither are you or you wouldn't allow him to speak to me 



46 WIVES TO BURN 

like he has. Fm through with you. Through ! Do 
you understand? Through! [Exits c. d. r. crying. 

Bert (looking after her). About the best thing she 
does is get through with people. 

Steve. Pay no attention to her, Effendi. Why should 
you care ? You still have Bevo. 

Bert. Bevo ! I don't want Bevo ! 

Jack (aside). Neither do the rest of us, but it's all 
we can get. 

Steve. And now, Eifendi, if there is a place where 
we can converse in peace, I will tell thee about the jewels. 

Bert. The jewels? Oh, yes. I might as well hear 
of them. There may be some good come of this after 
all. Come up to my room. [Exits stairs. 

Steve (at foot of stairs). Now you shut your face, 
Jack, and keep it shut and don't queer this. If you do, 
how are we ever going to get home ? 

Jack. Oh, all right! [They exit by stairs, 

(Mayme, Rich and Dick enter from window.) 

Rich. Once more she's thrown him down ! It ought 
surely to stick this time. Now all we need is the fat 
woman. 

Mayme. Gee! Ain't that Steve a wonderful liar! 
His beloved Bevo and the jewels. What did he run the 
jewels in for? 

Dick. I suppose he had to get his story across. 

Rich. But what are we going to do for them? Bert 
will be sure to want to see them. 

Gert (at top of stairs). Is it me plyce to bust in? 

Mayme ") 

Dick r (together). No! 

Rich ) 

Dick. 'E 'as went. 

Gert (coming down-stairs). Ho Lud! And Hi 
missed 'im. 

Rich. You're lucky you did. He has just had an- 
other wife wished on him and he mightn't be in a very 
good humor. Had you been here he might have 
" bashed " you. 



WIVES TO BURN 47 

Gert (clasping hands and assuming a woebegone ex- 
pression). Oh, if only some'un 'ud wish a 'usband on 
me. Hi would love 'im and love 'im and love 'im. Oh, 
'ow Hi'd love Hm ! 

Mayme. You did that just like Mary Lamson, Gert, 
when she played in Merely Mary Ann. 

Rich. You're bugs, Mayme. Comparing Aunt Het's 
dishwasher with the leading movie actress of America. 

Gert (eagerly). Do Hi look like 'er? Do Hi, hon- 
est? 

(Dick stands off to one side, watching Gert intently.) 

Rich. By George ! You do, a little. 

Mayme. Go on! I didn't say she looked like her. I 
said she did that {Assumes same position and expression 
as Gert had.) just like her. 

Steve {rushes down-stairs). Get some jewels, quick! 
He wants to see them. 

Dick. What in thunder did you say anything about 
jewels for ? How are we going to get any ? 

Steve. That isn't up to me. Get them and get them 
quick. {Runs upstairs and exits.) 

Rich. Now we're in a nice fix. We must have some 
jewels or he will catch on. 

Gert. 'Ow many must you 'ave ? 

Mayme. It don't make any difference. The more 
the better. 

Dick. It isn't necessary that they be real. Any old 
thing will do that looks like a jewel. He won't know the 
difference. 

Gert. Diamonks and saffriars and rubyses and 
pearles and all them? 

Rich.- Sure! Any old thing just so they're jewels. 

Gert. Leave it to me. Hi'll get 'em. 

[Exits to kitchen. 

Rich. Go to it. We'll leave it to you all right. 

Dick. That's one thing we don't need to worry about. 
{'Phone rings.) Nov/ what? 

Rich {at 'phone). Yes, this is Hollywood 543 - 



48 WIVES TO BURN 

Mr. Parker? Just a moment. (Puts hand over re- 
ceiver.) They want to talk to Bert. 

Mayme. I'll bet a cow it's the fat woman's lawyer. 

Dick. Tell them Bert isn't here and take the message. 

Rich {in 'phone). Sorry, but Mr. Parker's out just 
at present. 

Dick. Find out who is speaking. 

Rich. Who is this speaking, please? Oh, 

yes! Just a moment. {To Dick.) It's Brent &: 
Ketcher, lawyers, and they want Bert and his three hun- 
dred pounds of girl in their office at nine o'clock to- 
morrow morning. 

Dick. Get their address and we'll have them there. 

Rich {in 'phone). Your address, please 

Suite 908 Van Nuys Building. (Dick writes address on 
slip of paper which he puts in pocket.) All right. I'll 
tell Mr. Parker. {Hangs up 'phone.) Well! The ex- 
ecutors of the Perkins will want the lucky man and his 
three-hundred-pound bride in their office to-morrow 
morning at nine o'clock. Now what? 

Dick. Where, oh where, are we going to get a woman 
that weighs three hundred pounds ? 

Mayme {starting c. d.). I'm going to find one if I 
have to knock her down and drag her in by the heels. 

[Exits c. D. 

Rich {struck with an idea). The City Employ- 
ment Agency, up on Franklin Street. We sure ought to 
get one there. All hired girls are fat. {Starts c. d.) 

Dick. It won't be open at this time of night. 

Rich. Then I'll try the City Jail. It's alzvays opfen. 

Dick. Just so you get somebody. I'll stick around, 
for it takes somebody to watch things. 

(Dick exits stairs, Rich c. d. Door-bell rings three 
times. Uncle enters c. d. ; looks around room. 
Lays hat on table; drums fingers on table for a mo- 
ment. Looks around room again as though expect- 
ing some one to enter. Finally goes back looking at 
pictures, etc. Works around to window and looks 
out window, hidden by the curtains.) 



WIVES TO BURN 49 

Polly {enters c. d., followed by Betty). There is no 
use in you talking to me this time. I am going. Luck- 
ily we haven't moved any of our things over yet. 

(Uncle turns toward them.) 

Betty. All right, go! You are making a fool of 
yourself just the same. It isn't his fault if the woman 
was wished on him. Use your brains a little bit. 

Polly. But to have that half-dressed heathen around 
the house all the time. I couldn't stand it. 

Betty. Not even to get the fortune in jewels which 
you say he gets if he takes care of the whatever-you- 
call-it ? 

Polly. No ! I looked over that Lulu Paralyzer af- 
fair. I can't say I like Miss Clifford's idea of a joke, 

but I can look over- it, but this I love him, but he 

can't make a fool of me. (Starts toward c. d.) 

Betty. Dick made me acquainted with Miss Clifford 
and she really isn't so bad. I rather like her. Possibly 
if you made an effort you could learn to like Bevo. 
(Polly tosses her head.) That is, if the jewels were 
thrown in. 

Polly. No! I'm done. (Again starts c. d.) 

Uncle (coming from behind curtain). Excuse an 
old man for meddling into your affairs, my dear, but I 
couldn't help hearing you. I take it from your conver- 
sation you have had some kind of a quarrel with your 
lover. 

Polly. Well, yes. 

Uncle. And that you are determined to break your 
engagement, or has it gone that far? 

Polly. Yes, it has, and 

Uncle. If it has gone that far, take an old man's 
advice and think twice before you do anything rash. 

Betty. That's just what I told her ! 

Polly. You told me not to make a fool of myself 
just because I knew how. That's what you told me. 

Betty. Same thing. 

Uncle. I would like to tell you a little story, if I 
may ? 



50 WIVES TO BURN 

{Looks toward Polly. She doesn't answer and he 
turns to Betty.) 

Betty. Sure ! Sure ! Go right ahead. 

(Betty sits divan. Uncle beside her. Polly looks at 
them, hesitates a moment and then sits with them.) 

Uncle {speaking to Polly). When I was about your 
age, my dear, I was in love with a very beautiful girl, 
but I was jealous, very, very jealous. (Betty looks at 
Polly meaningly. Polly tosses her head and looks 
away from her.) I loved this girl with my whole heart 
and soul but I was continually imagining things until I 
no doubt made her life miserable. One night I was 
working late and as I went home I walked around by her 
house, as lovers frequently do, very foolishly, of course, 
and I saw her bid a young man a very affectionate fare- 
well on her front doorstep. I was angry, went to my 
room, packed my bag and left town the next morning. I 
didn't even have the courtesy to write and ask her for 
an explanation, which, of course, was not due me, al- 
though I thought it was at the time. I left the city and 
buried myself in an out-of-the-way, God-forsaken hole, 
and two years afterward, through a letter from a friend, 
I found that Henrietta had only been bidding a cousin, 
who had unexpectedly called, a fond good-bye before he 
left for Montana. I had made a fool of myself, ruined 
her life and mine, for we loved each other dearly, all be- 
cause I was jealous. (Polly shows she is affected by 
the story.) Had I only been man enough to write then 
and ask forgiveness, but no. I was too proud. Pride 
and jealousy ahvays run together. So I stuck it out in 
my chosen corner of the world in silence. {Shakes his 
head.) But it taught me a lesson, my child, it taught me 
a lesson ! Since then I have trusted those I love. Now 
won't you take my story to heart? Won't you think 
twice before you do something that may mean years of 
suffering to you?- 

Polly {crying). Y-y-y-yes, I will. I thank you for 



WIVES TO BURN 5I 

telling me and I will go and talk it over v^ith him. 
(Starts c. D.) Bert! Bert dear! [Exits c. d. 

Betty. If she hadn't sense enough to thank you, I 
have. Bert's a good fellow and 

Uncle. Bert ! Bert who ? 

Betty. Bert Parker. The man she quarreled with. 

Uncle. Bert Parker! Is she engaged to Bert Par- 
ker ? Well ! Weil ! Well ! I came all the way from 
Turkey just to surprise him. He's my nephew. 

Betty. I am glad you got here just when you did, for 
you saved her from doing something she would be sorry 
for. Polly is a fine girl, but jealous! On my! The 
green-eyed monster gets hold of her every time Bert 
looks crooked and it's about time she was getting cured. 

Uncle. I like her looks (Aunt enters from 

kitchen, going toward stairs.) Henrietta! 

(Goes toward Aunt with hands outstretched.) 
Aunt. Daniel ! 

(Starts toward him, notices Betty and stops.) 

Betty. Oh, don't mind me ! I'm on my way. 

(Puts hand up as screen between herself and them and 
exits c. D.) 

Uncle (as he leads Aunt to divan). Can you ever 
forgive me for being such an idiot? 

Aunt. Of course I can, although you don't deserve 
it. 

Uncle. I know it, but you always were an angel. 

Aunt. Humph ! I don't think I ever heard of an 
angel wearing glasses or keeping boarders. 

Uncle. You are adorable, Henrietta, boarders, nose- 
glasses and all. 

Aunt (musingly). Henrietta! It has been years 
since I was called that, Daniel. 

Uncle. And it has been years since I was called 
Daniel. In Turkey they always called me Old Dan. 

Aunt. Turkey! How could you stay in that hor- 



52 WIVES TO BURN 

rible hole where a man has as high as fifty wives? 
{Looks at him sharply.) How many wives have you, 
Daniel ? 

Uncle (smiling). None, none at all. I hope to have 
one soon, though. 

Aunt. Daniel ! 

Gert (enters from kitchen with paper sack containing 
jewels. Is all out of hreaik). 'Ere they be! 

(Aunt and Uncle jump up.) 

Aunt. What have you got ? 
Gert. Why, why, heggs for breakfast, ma'am. 
Aunt. Eggs for breakfast? What are you making 
such a hullabaloo about the eggs for ? Give them to me. 

(Reaches for sack.) 

Gert (puts sack behind her). Oh, no, ma'am. You 
don't want 'em. (Starts hacking out kitchen door.) 

Aunt. Of course I want them. What are you run- 
ning around with them for? Give them to me. 

Gert. Please, ma'am, you don't want 'em. Hi'U put 
'em in the hice-box, ma'am. You sit down, please, 
ma'am, and they'll be put right away, ma'am. 

[Exits backward into kitchen. 

Aunt (looking after her piizzled). There is some- 
thing wrong here. She was never willing to do anything 
before. I'm going to see what's up. 

(Starts toward kitchen but Uncle detains her. They 
shoidd work in such position that their backs are 
toward kitchen door.) 

Uncle. Let us finish our conversation. Let the 
maid attend to the eggs. 

(During next conversation Gert stealthily enters from 
kitchen and edges out c. d. with package.) 

Aunt. No ! She is hiding something from me. I 
know it. It is easily seen, Daniel, you have never had to 



WIVES TO BURN 53 

deal with housemaids, especially of the English variety. 
Heaven only knows what she has in that package, but I 
am sure it is something she doesn't want me to see so 
that is just the reason why I am going to see it. 

(Starts tozvard kitchen.) 



Uncle. But, Henrietta 

Aunt. We can finish our conversation later. I sim- 
ply must know what that girl is doing. You may come, 
too, if you wish. [Exits kitchen, followed by Uncle. 

Gert (enters c. d.). Where is everybody? I gotta 
find somebody quick ! 

Dick (enters by stairs). Have you got them? 

Gert. Yes, 'ere they be. Tyke them ! (Hands bag 
to Dick.) Tyke them,! (Forces them on Dick.) 

Dick (takes package). Fine, Gert! You were right 
on the job. (Opens bag.) Why, Gert! Where did 
you get all these so quickly? 

Gert. Don't arsk me. Just take good care of *em 
and give 'em back to me when you're through with 'em. 

Dick. But Gert, I (Looks at her closely.) 

Look here, Gert. What game are you playing? I don't 
believe you are as dumb as you pretend to be. I believe 
you would be a mighty fine looking girl if you cleaned 
yourself up, put on a decent dress and combed your hair. 
Do you know with some good clothes you would be al- 
most a dead ringer for Mary Lamson. 

Gert (giggling). Aw, go on! Mr. Dick, you're just 
a-spoofin' me. 

Dick. Holy Hat! Spoofing! No, Gert, I am not 
" spoofing " you. I am telling you the truth. Why do 
you stay here and be Aunt Het's drudge? You could do 
something better, I know you could. 

Gert. There hain't nothin' Hi'm good for, Mr. Dick, 
only washin' dishes and scrubbin' floors. 

Dick. By George! I have it. They say Miss Lam- 
son is a regular angel to help people and I know she 
could find a place for you around her dressing-room 
somewhere. I'll ask her. 



54 WIVES TO BURN 

Gert. But she's out of the city. 

Dick (quickly). How did you know that? 

Gert (confused). Oh, the pypers is full of it. Lord 
love ye! You w^ould think she was the Hempress of 
Indier or somethin' like that from the way people talk 
about 'er. Hi don't think she can be so much at that. 

Dick. We'll have no comments on Miss Lamson, 

Gert. She's Well, she's one of the finest girls I 

ever saw, although I never much more than spoke to her, 
as she's a star while I'm only an office accountant, but I 
have heard of some of the wonderful things she has 
done. 

Gert. But she's a stuck-up, painted 

Dick. That will do ! We will change the subject. 
We've got to get this thing we're working on brought to 
a climax, Gert. The Perkins lawyer wants Bert with his 
three-hundred-pound bride at his office in the morning. 
Mayme and Rich are out scouting for a three hundred 
pounder and one of them will be successful, I'm sure. 
When they get back we'll make Bert come across, but to 
do that we must be sure Polly is out of the road. She's 
" put " now and I hope she stays " put " until we get 
Bert disposed of, but if she don't I will get the two of 
them down here somehow and you pull off the stunt we 
had you lined up for. Understand, you are his wife. 
He deserted you and Little Billy three years ago and you 
have just traced him down. Tell your story good and 
the money is yours. Possibly we won't need you, but if 
we do, be ready. 

Gert (her knees trembling). Ho Lud! Hi'm skeered. 
Hi know 'e'll bash me, Hi know it. 

Dick (shakes her). Don't be foolish. He's too much 
of a gentleman to strike you. You go out on the porch 
and stay there until I call for you, and when I do, come 
a-running to meet your husband. 

Gert. Hi'll do it for you, Mr. Dick, but 'e'll bash me, 
Hi know 'e will. 

Dick. Oh, go along with you. (Shoves her out win- 
dow. Then takes jewels and looks for place to hide 
them. Finally puts them under pillow on couch and 



WIVES TO BURN 55 

Starts c. D. Stops and begins searching his pockets. 
Mutters.) Where in blazes did I put that address? 
Don't want to lose that. {Finds letter given him by 
Aunt. Turns it over two or three times.) Mr. Bert 
Parker. Humph ! {Finally looks around stage, then 
opens letter and reads it. Sinks on divan in daze as 
Betty enters c. d. ) Now the fun will commence. 

Betty. Heard bad news, Dick? 

Dick. Bad news? I should say so! {Hands her 
letter, which she takes.) Read that! No! No! You 
can't read it. {Jerks letter from her.) This is awful, 
{Starts walking back and forth across stage excitedly.) 
What are we going to do? He'll be sure to spill the 
beans. Why couldn't he have stayed in Turkey? 

Betty {following Dick). Why couldn't who have 
stayed in Turkey? What are you talking about? 

Dick. Bert's Uncle Dan. Here's a letter from him. 
He's coming to see Bert. Says he expects to arrive on 
the fifteenth. That's to-day. 

Betty. Well, what of it? What's the matter with 
Bert's uncle? I think he is a very nice old man. 

Dick. You think! What do you know about him? 

Betty. Not very much; I only talked to him about 
ten minutes. 

Dick. When? 

Betty. About ten minutes ago. 

Dick. Where? 

Betty. Right here. 

Dick. In this room? 

Betty. Certainly in this room. What's the matter 
with you, Dick Girard? 

Dick. Great snakes ! You mean to say that he's 
here, now? 

Betty. Of course he's here. I just told you I talked 
to him not more than ten minutes ago. Only for him 
Polly would have broken her engagement to Bert. He 
fixed it. 

Dick {staggered). He what? 

Betty. He fixed it up and everything's lovely again. 

Dick. And he got Polly to go back to Bert? 



56 WIVES TO BURN 

Betty. He certainly did, and I think it was real nice 
of him to take such an interest in a stranger. 

Dick. Oh, you do, do you? Well, the meddlesome 
old cuss ! He would be better off in Turkey, where he 
belongs. We had everything going good until he butted 
in. But now, he's here and Little Bevo's here and Ibri- 
ham's here and Bert's here, or ought to be, and the jewels 
are here too, and — and — and — {Becoming confused.) 
I'm through ! {Starts for stairs.) 

Betty {grabs his coat and pulls him back to divan). 
Now sit down there, Dick Girard, and tell me what's the 
matter with you. 

{Seats him on divan and sits beside him.) 

Dick {hands her newspaper). Read that! 
{Points to paragraph.) 

Betty {glances over article). Well, what of it? 

Dick. Bert's the guy! 

Betty {astonished). You don't mean it! 

Dick. I most certainly do ! 

Betty. They drew his name from among all the 
young men in Los Angeles ? 

Dick. Exactly! Four hundred thousand dollars! 
Just think of it, Betty ! And here he is so tied up with 
Polly Palmer that he won't even look at another girl. 
We made up our minds that he is going to get that money 
whether he wants to or not. That was why Mayme 
claimed him as her divorced husband. 

Betty. But I don't see how that would help any. 

Dick {impatiently). So Polly would throw him 
down and leave him free to marry the fat girl. Use 
your brains ! 

Betty. And the favorite wife from Turkey? 

Dick. Some more of the scheme. And now his 
uncle is here 

Betty. That's right. 

Dick. And he'll queer the whole thing just when it 
was going good. 



WIVES TO BURN 57 

Steve (rushes down-stairs). The jewels! The jew- 
els ! I can't hold him much longer. 

Dick. Get out of here ! Til bring them up in a min- 
ute. 

Steve. Be quick or things will go kerflooey. 

[Exits by stairs. 

Dick (takes bag of jewels from under cushion, where 
he had placed it, and removes lavallier, which He shows 
to Betty, putting bag on the divan). What do you 
think of that ? 

Betty (takes lavallier and examines it closely, then 
looks at Dick suspiciously). What is this for? 

Dick. Oh, we intended using the jewels to string him 
along until we get him married to the fat girl. 
^ Betty. Where did you get this? 

Dick. Gert got it some place. I suppose from some 
costumer. 

Betty. Who is Gert? 

Dick. The hired girl here. She's helping us out. 

Betty. She never got this from a costumer. This 
lavallier is worth a little fortune, and I know who it be- 
longs to. 

Dick. Who? 

Betty. Mary Lamson. 

Dick. Mary Lamson, the movie queen? You're 
crazy ! 

Betty. No, I'm not, and I can prove it. I played 
the maid in her last picture ; you remember, " The 
Queen's Temptation." She wore this lavallier in the 
coronation scene. I know, for I handled it many a time. 
Luckily I have one of her pictures in my hand-bag which 
shows her wearing it. Come, and I'll show you. 

[They exit c. d. r. 

Aunt (enters from kitchen, followed by Uncle). 
You were fortunate, Daniel, you didn't have the servant 
question to contend with in Turkey. Servants are sim- 
ply terrible since the war and almost impossible to get. 
Take that girl Gert, for instance: you can never depend 
on her or know five minutes beforehand what she is go- 
ing to do next. She was to put those eggs in the ice- 



58 WIVES TO BURN 

box, although why she was running around with a sack 
of eggs at this time of night, I can't say; you saw they 
were not there. What could she have done with them? 

Uncle {who has been standing near couch, picks up 
hag from couch where Dick placed it). Here they are! 

Aunt. And a pretty place for them ! ( Takes hag. ) 
Suppose some one had sat down on them. And how did 
they get here, I should like to know? We both saw her 
take them into the kitchen. Just wait until I find her 
and I shall tell her a few things. 

Uncle. Don't be harsh with the girl, Henrietta. Be- 
sides, can't we sit down and have a talk? I haven't seen 
you for about thirty years, and it seems to me there are a 
lot more important things to talk about than eggs. 

Aunt. Indeed ! And them selling at one dollar a 
dozen ? It is easily seen you are not running a boarding- 
house. As I am, I must see to it that things are pre- 
pared for breakfast. If you want to talk, come out to 
the kitchen. There is plenty of room there and I can 
hear you just as well as I can here. 

{Exits kitchen. Uncle smiles and follows.) 

Rich {enters c. d. and looks around room, standing 
near door. Tiptoes into hallway and motions off stage l. 
A very large woman enters, gorgeously dressed, wearing 
heavy face veil). Now be careful! Don't say a word 
and stay right where I put you, and whatever you do, 
don't come out until I call you. You understand? 

Woman. Yes, I understand. 

Rich. I'll put you in the library. No one ever goes 
in there, so you will be perfectly safe until wanted. Now 
come on and I'll tell you exactly what to do. 

[They exit to lihrary. 

Aunt {enters from kitchen, very angry, with Uncle). 
Don't talk to me ! Not another word, Daniel ! I shall 
call the police. The girl is a thief. Where would she 
get .such a collection of jewels unless she stole them? 

Uncle. But Henrietta! Why don't you ask her? 
Give her a chance to explain. 

Aunt. You mean give her a chance to get away. 



WIVES TO BURN 59 

No! I shall call the police and they can deal with her. 

(At 'phone.) Main 8110 Police Department? 

Send an officer to 7542 Merford Avenue, Hollywood, at 
once. I have secured possession of some stolen jewels 
and if you hurry you can probably catch the thief. 

(Hangs up 'phone.) 

Uncle. But suppose the girl is innocent? If you 
would only speak to her she could probably explain how 
they came into her possession. 

Aunt. Let her do her talking to the police. 

[Exits to kitchen. 

Steve (on stairs). I simply can't hold him much 

longer without the jewels. He wants to see 

(Looks around stage.) Where's the other fellow? 

Uncle. Never mind the other fellow. What did you 
say about jewels ? 

Steve (at foot of stairs). Why shouldst thou ques- 
tion me? By the Beard of the Prophet, if I had thee in 
Turkey 

Uncle. Turkey ! What do you know about Turkey ? 

Steve. What do I know about Turkey? Thou ask- 
est me, Ibriham Ben Hassam, what I know about Tur- 
key ? Who art thou to question such a personage as I ? 
Who art thou, I ask thee? 

Uncle. Mv name is Daniel Easton, and 

Steve. Daniel Easton! You Daniel Easton? 

Uncle. Yes, I am Daniel Easton. 

Steve. Stevie, this is no place for you. 

(Holds blouse out in front, as though leading self off 
stage. Exits by stairs.) 

Uncle (looks after him a moment). The man must 
be crazy. [Exits to kitchen. 

Rich (at library door). Now, I've told you every- 
thing. Stay right there, do as I have told you and there 
is a nice little pile of money in it for you. 

Mayme (enters c. d. l.). I couldn't get a darn thing 



60 WIVES TO BURN 

but a Woppess with eight Uttle Wops and I knew he'd 
never stand for them. 

Rich {going to her). Say! Wait until you see what 
Fve got. She's a pippin! {Draws outline of a very 
large woman in air with his hands.) I think she's got 
about a sixty-two waist. Come on ! I'll show you. 

[They exit to library. 

Bert {enters stairs. Has Steve hy collar with one 
hand, Jack with the other). Now produce the jewels. 
I believe you are stringing me. You say you have them ? 
All right, where are they? 

Steve. I sent a messenger for them and he hasn't re- 
turned yet. That's what I came down-stairs for those 
two times. 

Bert. Why in blazes couldn't you tell me that up- 
stairs? Come on! We'll beat it back to my room be- 
fore any one sees us. If they did, they would think I was 
starting a side-show. 

Jack. But, Effendi 

Bert. Now don't talk back, Little Buttercup. If I 
have to keep you I want the wherewith to do it with. 

[They exit hy stairs. 

Dick {enters c. d. with Betty). I would never have 
believed it. How on earth did she get them? We must 
have her take them back at once. {Goes to couch and 
reaches for hag. ) They're gone ! 

{Searches frantically for them.) 

Betty. Gone! {Helps him search.) Why on earth 
didn't you keep them when you had them? 

Dick. You startled me so when you told me who 
they belonged to that I walked off and forgot them, but I 
know I put them on the divan. 

Betty. Well, they are not here now. 

Gert {at window). Is this me plyce to bust in? 

Dick {runs to window, followed hy Betty. They 
grah Gert, one on each side, and bring her front). You 
bet your sweet young life this is your place to bust in. 
Where did you get those jewels? 

Gert. Where did I get 'em? 



WIVES TO BURN 6l 

Dick. Yes, where did you get them ? Come across ! 
Do you want to get us all in jail? How did you get hold 
of them? 

Gert {innocently). Why, I just took them. 

Betty. She just took them ! Could you beat it ? She 
just took them ! 

Dick {shaking her). Great heavens! Girl! Don*t 
you see the fix you are in? You are liable to be sent to 
jail! So am I! So's Rich! So's Mayme! They are 
liable to pull the house if this is found out. 

Gert. Pull the 'ouse? Now wouldn't that be ex- 
citin' ? 

Betty. You're talking! It would be exciting, all 
right, but I don't want to be here when it comes off, so 
I'm going to get out. {Starts CD.) 

Dick {stopping her). Betty, don't leave me in the 
lurch ! There's nobody else here. I'm depending on 
you to help me. 

Betty. Nothing doing! When the police come in, I 
go out ! [Exits c. D. 

Dick. A nice pickle you've gotten us into, a nice 
pickle ! 

Gert. What's hup ? 

Dick. '' What's hup ? " Oh, nothing much ! The 
jewels have been stolen, that's all. What in the name 
of common sense ever made you do such a thing, Gert? 

Didn't you know Oh, there is no use in talking; 

they're gone and we've got to find them. 

Gert. But I gyve them to you to take care of them. 

Dick. I know you did and I laid them on the divan 
for a moment and some one took them. {Again starts 
hunting for jewels.) We must find them, Gert, we 
must. 

Gert , {assisting him). 'Oo do you suppose could 'a' 
took 'em? 

Dick. How should I know? Don't ask such fool 
questions. If I knew who took them I would get after 
them and get them back. Get busy and don't talk so 
much. You got me into this mess by swiping the 
jewels 



62 WIVES TO BURN 

Gert. But Hi didn't swipe 'em. 

Dick. Who else did? You didn't take them away 
any place, did you ? 

Gert. Hi gyve 'em to you and Hi ain't seen 'em 
sincet. 

Dick (studies a moment). I wonder if those two 
galoots up-stairs got their hooks on them. I'll bet thafs 
where they are. I'll go up and see. You take a look 
around the porch. Hurry ! 

[Exits by stairs, Gert at window. 

Polly (enters c. d., looks around room a moment, 
then goes part way up-stairs and calls, softly). Bert! 
(Pause.) Bert! 

Bert (at top of stairs). You keep your eye on them, 
Dick, until I get back. (Comes down-stairs.) Polly! 
You've forgiven me, haven't you? 

Polly. It's you that should forgive me. I per- 
mitted my jealousy to get the better of me again. I do 
trust and believe in you, Bert, and when we get married 
I'll be the best little wife 

Bert. Get married ! Let's do it now. Let's elope I 

Polly. Oh, Bert ! That's just what we'll do. 

Bert. You go and get your coat and hat and when 
you come back I'll be right here waiting for you. Don't 
be long, for it will only take me a minute to get my coat 
and hat. We'll scoot down to. Santa Anna, get married 
and be happy ever after. 

Polly (at c. d. ). Bert, you're a dear! 

Bert. I've always known it. 

(Polly exits c. d. r. and Bert starts up-stairs whis- 
tling. ) 

Aunt (at kitchen door with Uncle). Bert! Come 
here a moment. (Bert goes down-stairs unwillingly.) 
I have the biggest surprise for you. 

Bert. Surprise? I'll bet it's nothing to the one I am 
going to hand you. 

Aunt. Oh, yours can't possibly equal mine. When 
did you hear from your Uncle Dan last ? 



WIVES TO BURN 63 

Bert. Uncle Dan? Oh, not very long ago. Had 
some mighty good news, too. He's dead. 

Uncle {amazed). What! 

Bert. Yep. Died two months ago and left me a 
little fortmie in jewels provided I take care of his fa- 
vorite wife. Little Bevo. He sent her to me and she's 
some swell little teaser, I'll tell you. She just arrived. 
She's up-stairs now. 

Aunt. Up-stairs ? Now ? 

Bert, Sure! And say. Aunt Hetty, she's a dream. 
Cutest little trick you ever saw, although what in the 
name of the Lord I am going to do with her, I don't 
know. Wait! I'll show you. {Goes to foot of stairs 
and calls. ) Hey ! Ibbie ! Shoot a little Bevo down 
this way. {Returns c.) 

Aunt {to Uncle). So! I suppose a man is never 
too old to be found out. I might have known you 
couldn't live all these years in Turkey without being 
contaminated. Your favorite wife ! How many more 
have you? 

Uncle {pleading). None, Henrietta. This is all a 
mistake. I can 

Aunt. Leave my house! That's the best thing you 
can do. 

Bert. What's all the row? {To Aunt confi- 
dentially.) Who's the old bird? (Jack enters stairs.) 
Ah ! Here she is ! Here's my little Pearl of the Orient. 
Some pippin, isn't she? 

(Turns Jack around for inspection.) 

Aunt. Pearl of the Orient ! (To Uncle.) You de- 
ceiver! And to think I trusted you. This is the second 
time you have failed me. I'll never trust you again, 
never! [Exits to kitchen. 

Uncle {to Bert). This is all your fault, you young 
jackanapes ! And after all I have done for you, too. 
I'll attend to you later. [Exits to kitchen. 

Bert. I don't know what's the matter with the old 
guy, but I'm too happy to care. I'll tell you something, 



64 WIVES TO BURN 

Bevo. In about one hour and thirty minutes I am going 
to be the happiest young man in Southern Cahfornia. 
Do you know why? 

(Dick at head of stairs.) 

Jack. No, Effendi. 

Bert. No? Well, I'll tell you. Because in another 
hour and a half the sweetest little girl in Southern Cali- 
fornia is going to be Mrs. Bert Parker, do you see? 
So if you are a good little Turk I'll let you dance at my 
wedding. That is if you know how to do any of the 
American dances. Do you? 

(Dick has edged down-stairs to c. d.) 

Jack. A little, Effendi. 

Bert. A little? That will never do. Here, I'll show 
you. (They start to dance the one-step and Dick slips 
out window.) My! You are heavy on your feet. Feels 
like dragging around a ton of brick. Put a little pep 
into it, a little ginger. (Dances a moment.) There! 
That's better. 

(They dance to extreme l. of stage, away from win- 
dow. ) 

Dick (in window, with Gert). Polly's coming up the 
hall. Now's your chance to pull off your stunt. Go to 
it! (Is shoving her into room, Gert holding hack.) 

Gert. But the jewels? 

Dick. They can wait. Hustle ! 

(Shoves her inside room, as Polly appears c. d. 
Polly stops in c. d., horrified at seeing Bert danc- 
ing with Bevo. Dick remains in window.) 

Gert (crossing stage and throzving arms around 
Bert's neck). 'Eart of me 'eart ! 'Ave Hi found you 
at last ! 

Bert (amused).^ Why all the mush, Gert? 

Gert (removiitg arms). Mush 'e calls it ! Mush I Hi 



WIVES TO BURN 65 

calls it tragedy, Hi does. Hi comes in 'ere and finds me 
'usband dancin' with that shameless creature (Polly 
gasps at word husband.) and when in the face of hit Hi 
'ugs 'im 'e calls it mush. {Cries) Oh, 'usband 
dear 

Bert. Another one ! It seems I have wives to burn 
to-night. Now look here, Gert, I 

Gert. Don't you go a-perjurin' of yourself and say 
you don't know me. Oh, 'usband dear! Me 'eart's jest 
a-floppin' around hinside me chest like Jonar in the 
whale's belly, for love of you. {Again throws arms 
around Bert.) And you ain't forgot Little Billy, 'ave 
you? ^ 

Polly {going front). Little Billy! 

Dick {aside). Great! 

Bert {crosses to Polly, Gert hanging to him, while 
Dick, steps outside where he can remain unseen). For 
heaven's sake, Polly, pay no attention to Gert. I don't 
know what's gotten over her that she should act like this. 

Polly {crying). And you know her, too ! Oh, this is 
too much, too much ! {Cries.) 

Bert {trying to unloosen Gert's arms). Gert, for 
heaven's sake 

Gert. Oh, Hi'm goin' to 'old you for ever and ever. 

Dick {solemnly). Amen! 

Polly. Oh, you are? {Tries to jerk Gert away 
from Bert. ) Let go ! You shameless woman ! Let go I 

Gert. Shameless? 'E's me 'usband, ain't 'e? Now 
Hi 'ave 'im where. Hi can stick, Hi sticks, Hi^ does. 

Polly {going toward c. d.). And I believed you this 
time. To think that I was going away with you, too. 
I suppose I should be thankful that she found you when 
she did, if for nothing else but for the sake of L-L-L-L- 
Little B-B-B-B-Billy ! 

Bert. Oh, Polly, listen to me. I have no Little Billy 
or Little Tommy or Little Johnny or 

Polly. No, this has taught me a lesson. I'm through 
with you this time, through. Here's your ring. {Takes 
Bert'.? hand and puts ring in it.) All I ask is that you 
be good to Little B-B-Billy ! 



66 WIVES TO BURN 

(Cries loudly and rushes out c. d. r.) 

Bert (throws Gert aside). It has taught you a les- 
son, has it? {Looks out c. d. r.) Well, if it has taught 
you one, it has also taught me one. This is the second 
time you've told me you were through with me and by 
George, you won't have an opportunity to tell me so the 
third time. I've loved that girl, Gert, for over a year, and 
she's kept me in hot water all the time through her jeal- 
ousy. This time I'll teach her a lesson. I don't know 
why you did this, but I am thankful you did, for I was 
going to marry her, Gert, marry her. x\nd imagine being 
tied up to some one that couldn't trust you. 

(Sits divan stunned.) 

Gert (edges toward zvindow as Dick enters through 
window). Now what'll Hi do?- 

Dick. Beat it out on the porch and see if you can 
find the jewels. (Gert exits window while Dick crosses 
to Bert and slaps him on shotdder.) What's the matter 
now ? 

Bert (without raising head). Oh, she's thrown me 
down again and given me back my ring. 

• (Rich and Mayme at library door.) 

Dick. Don't take it so hard, old chap, she'll come 
around. 

Bert (jumping up). She won't have the chance! 
This was just once too often. I'm going to start out, 
Dick, and I'm going to marry the first girl I meet that 
will have me. 

Rich (coming forward). Now you're talking! You 
just wait a minute. I have the \ery one you want. She's 
good looking and there's lots of her. 

(Starts toward library.) 

Bert. Bring her along. I'll teach that girl a lesson 
she'll remember this time. 

Rich. That's the way to talk. (Motions off stage ai 



WIVES TO BURN 67 

library door. Woman enters and stands R. c.) There 
she is ! What do you think of her? 

Bert. Gee whiz ! I said girl, not girls. There's 
enough of her to make a young ladies' seminary. 
(Walks around Woman looking at her.) Let's have a 
look at your face. ( Throws up Woman's veil, disclosing 
negress. ) Good-night ! 



CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE. — Same scene as in close of last Act; one min- 
ute later. 

(Rich at window with Bert'3 coat in his hands. Dick 
and Mayme standing c.) 

Dick. Why didn't you grab him? 

Rich. I did. 

Dick. Well, then, why didn't you hold him? 

Rich. How could I when he wiggled right out of his 
coat ? 

Mayme. Humph ! It's a wonder he didn't wiggle out 
of everything he had on when you tried to stop him for 
t4iat three hundred pounds of blackness to get her hands 
on him. He sure went out of that window in a hurr}^ and 
didn't she sail after him? Oh boy! 

Dick (disgusted) . That was a nice stunt to pull off, 
wasn't it? 

Rich {coming forward). How w^as I to know she 
vv^as black? 

Mayme. Yuh still got your eyes, ain't yuh? 

Rich. Of course I have but I didn't look at her. She 
had that confounded veil down all the time. You see I 
went up to the city jail and asked the desk sergeant if 
he had any fat ones and he towed her out. 

Dick. What was she in for? 

Rich. Assault and battery or something like that. 
As soon as I saw her I knew she was the one I wanted, 



so 



Dick. A negress? 

Rich. But I didn't know she was a negress. She 
had her veil down, I tell you. So I paid her fine and 
asked her if she wanted to make $25 and she 

Dick. But that has nothing to do with you bring- 
ing 

68 



WIVES TO BURN 69 

Rich. Now wait a minute. Then I explained to her 
what we wanted and I was so busy talking to her that 
I never thought of asking her to raise her veil, so you 
see (Shrugs his shoulders.) 

Mayme. Of all the boneheads I ever met, Rich 
Douglas, you take the tin medal. Now the question is, 
how are we gonna get him back? 

Dick. Go after him, of course. (To Rich.) Now 
you trot right out of that window and don't come bac*k 
here without him. (Shoves Rich toward window.) 
Beat it ! 

Rich. Why pick on me? I just got in. Why don't 
you go? 

Dick. Because I have other things to do here. Trot 
on ! 

Rich (grumbling). Oh, I'll go, but I never dreamed 
helping a friend into $400,000 would be such a job as 
this. [Exits window with Bert's coat. 

Dick. Now we have to figure out some kind of a 
plan 

Rich (rushes in window, closing it behind him). 
There's a policeman out there coming up the walk. I 
saw him when I was down at Central Station a little 
bit ago. 

Dick. The jewels! 

Rich. Why should he be after the jewels? 

Dick. I haven't time to explain now. We've got to 
find Gert. Come on. 

(Grabs Mayme and Rich by the arm and starts to 
window. ) 

Rick (holding back). No, no! Not that way. He'll 
see us. 

Dick. Then this way. (Starts c. d.) 
Mayme. And meet him comin' in. 
Dick. Then up-stairs. Come on. 

(Starts for stairs.) 

Rich. How in blazes can I go out after Bert if we 
go up-stairs? 



70 WIVES TO BURN 

Dick. You can slide down the back porch roof. 

Rich. And break my blooming neck. 
1^ Dick. Not if you're careful. [They exit by stairs. 

Gert (enters window) . They ain't there, so 'elp me 
liif they are. Hi've 'unted and 'unted and 'unted 

and- {Stops and looks aYound stage.) Ho! Mr. 

Girard! Where you be 'idin' yourself? (Goes to c. d. 
and meets Inspector entering.) 'Oo be you? 
'Inspector. I'm Inspector Clancy from Central Sta- 
tion. There was a call from this house about a half 
hour ago to send a policeman up right away. 

Gert. A policeman? 

Inspector. Yes, a policeman. 

Gert. To this 'ouse? 

Inspector (an^n'/y). Yes, to this house. 

Gert. Right awye? 

Inspector (very angry). Yes! Right away! 

Gert. This is no plyce for me ! 

(Rushes into library, shuts and locks door after her.) 

Inspector (at library door, shaking knob). Here! 
Here! What's up? (Pause.) Why don't you answer 
me? (Pause.) What's the meaning of this? (Listens 
a moment and then tries to peep through keyhole. 
Steve and Jack come down-stairs, wearing long over- 
coats, their Turkish costume showing beneath the coat. 
They notice Inspector at library door and tiptoe toward 
c. D. Just as they reach the door Inspector rises and 
sees them.) Say! (They stop suddenly and turn facing 
Inspector, Jack hiding behind Steve and stooping so 
his overcoat touches the floor.) What's going on here? 

Steve. Why, why, what's the matter? 

Inspector. There was a 'phone call from this house 
about a half hour ago asking that a policeman be sent 
here. 

Jack. A policeman ! 

. (Gathers overcoat up around his waist and runs up- 
stairs. Inspector looking after him in amazement.) 



WIVES TO BURN 71 

Inspector (rubs his eyes and looks up the stairs). 
Did I see that or didn't 1? (Points upstairs.) 

Steve. See what? 

Inspector. Say! What's the matter around this 
joint anyway? I just saw the servant girl and when I 
told her I was a policeman she ran in there and locked 

herself in, (Points toward library.) and now that 

What's wrong around this place anyway? 

Steve. How should I know? 

Inspector. Well! What do you want a policeman 
for? 

Steve. Now really, Chief 

Inspector (swells up importantly). Um hum! 

Steve (noticing the impression he has made). Not 
having made the call to which you refer, I of course can't 
say just what is wrong. 

Inspector. What was the matter with that, er, well 
that that just scooted up-stairs in the abbreviated panta- 
lets ? 

Steve (in matter-of-fact tone). Nothing, nothing at 
all ! We were just going out to a masquerade and the 
lady, of course, didn't want to be seen. 

Inspector. Lady! Is that what it was? (Goes to 
foot of stairs and looks up stairs.) But why did that 
servant girl go and lock herself in as she did? You 
would think she had done something crooked by the way 
she beat it into that room. (Crosses to library and tries 
door which he now finds open.) That's funny! I'm 
sure I tried that door and found it locked. (Exits into 
library. Steve goes to door, cautiously reaches around 
for key, locks door on stage side and then starts for 
stairs. When he is about c. of stage Inspector begins 
shaking door.) Here! Let me out of this! What did 
you lock me in for? Let me out, I tell you. (Is shaking 
door violently.) I'm Inspector Clancy of Central Sta- 
tion. I'll make it hot for somebody if you don't. 

(Shakes door.) 

Dick (comes down-stairs) . What's up now? 

Steve. The servant girl is in there with a policeman. 



72 WIVES TO BURN 

(Inspector shakes door and calls: ''Let me out, I 
tell you, let me out.*') 

Dick. Worse and more of it. What's she doing in 
there ? 

Steve. I don't know. I'm giving you what he told 
me. {Points to library.) 

Dick {goes to library door to listen. Inspector 
shakes door violently and calls: " Are you going to let 
me out? I'm Inspector Clancy, and I tell you I'll make 
it hot for somebody." Dick jumps away from door as 
Inspector begins to shake it). He'll have the whole 
neighborhood out if he keeps that up. {Notices Steve's 
overcoat.) What are you doing with my overcoat? * 

Steve. Well, you see Jack and I borrowed a couple 
of coats we — er, found up-stairs. We decided to make 
our getaway. 

Dick. I don't blame you. I would myself if I could. 

Steve. And we bumped into the cop right here. It 
seems he had already run into Gert and she ran in there 
and locked the door. 

Dick. Bully for Gert ! 

Steve. The cop tried to find out what he was wanted 
here for and when I couldn't give him any information 
he tried the door again and found it unlocked. He went 
in and I locked him in. Now, you just hold him here 
long enough, please, until Jack and I get away. We 
didn't have the smallpox. All we did was sleep in a 
hotel with a fellow that did. 

Dick. Man, he's after bigger fry than two fellows 
that escaped from the pest-house. In some way, I can't 
say just how, Mary Lamson's jewels got into this house 
and now they have disappeared. That's what he's after. 

Steve. Mary Lamson, the movie queen? 

Dick. Yes, Mary Lamson the movie queen. Gert 
got her jewels somehow and brought them here in a sack, 
just like you would two-bits worth of spuds, and them 
worth a hundred thousand or so. That's what we get for 
you running that jewel business in. I had them a mo- 
ment, laid them on the divan, and now they're gone. 



WIVES TO BURN 



(Loud noise in library.) 



73 



Aunt (enters from kitchen). What is that noise? 
That is the second or third time I've heard it. 

Dick. Well, you see, Miss Bingle, that is, er 

(Motions for Steve to help him out,) 

Steve. It's this way, Mrs. 

Aunt. Who are you? 

Steve (to Dick). What will I tell her? 

Aunt. Can't you answer me ? 

Steve. You 9ee, Mrs. (Loud noise in library.) 

Aunt (starts toward library). What on earth is the 
matter in there? (Scream from kitchen, followed by 
loud noise.) Great heavens! Now it's over there. 
What is wrong? 

Dick (leading Aunt toward kitchen). If I were you, 
Miss Bingle, I would go right out and see. Just go right 
out this way and see what it's all about. (She exits 
kitchen. Dick shakes fist in direction of kitchen.) 
Oh, you nut ! And I told you to come down easy. I 
wonder what he fell into? (Noise in library.) Now 
to shut this guy up, 

(Starts toward library.) 

Betty (at c. d., dressed for street). What's the racket 
and who was screaming? 

Dick. Where are you going? 

Betty. I am going to get out before the police get in. 

Dick. You are too late. They are here now. 

Betty (looking around room). Where? 

Dick (points toward library). He's locked in there. 

Betty. Good heavens! (Goes to window.) Have 
they got the house surrounded? 

Dick. I don't think as yet. There's only one here 
that I know of, but the Lord only knows what he is liable 
to do before we're through with him. 

Betty. Oh, this is terrible! What can we do? 

Steve. Jack said we would get in Dutch on this job*. 



74 WIVES TO BURN 

Dick. By George ! I have an idea. That paper says 
Bert must marry a v^oman weighing three hundred 
pounds, don't it? (Hunts for paper.) 

Betty. What if it does, that won't help us any. 

Dick. Help us find the paper and I'll show you. 

(All hunt for paper, Steve finding it.) 

Steve. Is this what you are hunting? 

Dick (grabbing ii). Let me see it. (Sits divan, 
Betty and Steve on either side of him. ) Yes, I'm right. 
** Must marry a woman weighing three hundred pounds 
before the week is out." Now then : suppose he married 
her when she weighed three hundred pounds and she 
reduces immediately after. 

Betty. What in the name of common sense are you 
talking about ? 

Dick. It's like this : Suppose Bert marries the girl 
he wants— — 

Betty. In other words, Polly Palmer. 

Dick. Yes, Polly Palmer, when she weighs three 
hundred pounds. 

Betty (rises and looks down at Dick). When she 
weighs three hundred pounds. But she don't. She only 
weighs one hundred and twelve. I think the sight of 
that policeman has affected your head. (Starts c. d.) 

Dick (following her). ' Wait a minute, Betty. 
(Betty turns.) If Polly was fixed up to weigh three 
hundred pounds when she was married, she would be a 
three-hundred-pound bride, wouldn't she? 

Betty. Yes, but it wouldn't be honest. 

Steve. .It's as honest as the rest of the scheme and I 
believe it could be done, and we've got to do something 
to get ourselves out of this fix we're in. 

Betty. Are you having pipe dreams, too? 

Dick. It's like he says ; we've got to do something or 
we'll be implicated in this jewel robbery. Don't you see, 
Betty, if he married her and got the $400,000 he could 
reimburse Miss Lamson for the loss of her jewels and 
still be about $300,000 ahead, and besides have the girl 
he wants. 



WIVES TO BURN -73 

Betty. But how will we get rid of the police? 
Dick. We'll think of a way later. Do you think 
Polly will go through with it? 
Betty. We can try her. 

(Dick and Betty start c. d.) 

Steve. But what will we do with the cop? 

{Loud noise in library.) 

Dick. Jumping ginger! He'll have the militia out 
next if he don't stop that. 

Steve. Couldn't we get him up-stairs somehow and 
tie him up until after the ceremony? 

Betty. How could we get him up? , " 

Mayme (enters stairs). She ain't up-stairs, that's a 
cinch. I was clear to the attic. 

Dick. Who isn't up-stairs? 

Mayme. Why, Gert. Didn't you send me to hunt 
her? , 

Dick. Oh, never mind Gert. She's safe. Come here. 
(Mayme goes front.) We've got a policeman locked in 
there. (Points to library.) He's after the jewels. 

Mayme. But why is he after the jewels? 

Dick. Gert swiped them, that's why. 

Mayme. The little devil ! I didn't think it was in her. 
But suppose she did. They ain't real, are they? 

Betty. Oh* no ! They're only worth about $100,000 
and she stole them from Mary Lamson, the movie star. 

Mayme. God save Ireland ! Now we are in for it. 

Dick. And now the police have got wind of it and 
there's one of them locked in the library. Now we're 
going to try to get Polly to make up to weigh three hun- 
dred pounds, marry Bert, get the money 

Mayme. But the jewels, what about them? 

Dick (continuing). Replace the jewels, choke off the 
police, and still have $300,000 or so to the good. He's 
got to do something. It was for his sake we got into 
this mess. (Rich enters c. d. ) Oh! Here you are! 
You came down nice and easy, didn't you? 



j6 WIVES TO burn- 

Rich. Weil, I couldn't help it. I got my foot caught 
in the clothes-line and fell into the wash-boiler, and say, 
I can't find him. I've been every place I could think 
pf and I can't locate him. 

Dick (shoves Rich toward window). Keep after 
him. You must find him or v^e all go to jail. 
. Rich. But say, Dick 

Dick. You've got to, that's all. Now mosey on. 
(Rich exits window.) Now, Mayme, we're going up- 
stairs and will leave the field to you. As soon as we get 
up- stairs, you get his nibs over there out and give him 
any kind of a cock and bull story yoii want, but get him 
up to my room. We'll do the rest. 

Mayme. Yuh ain't got a grudge against me or any- 
thing, have yuh? 

Dick (at foot of stairs). Don't talk, act! 

[Exits stairs with Betty. 

Steve (at foot of stairs). Call him Chief and he'll 
eat out of your hand. [Exits by stairs r 

Mayme (goes to library door and listens, studies a 
moment, then unlocks door and runs to middle of room, 
turning to face door. As Inspector enters, puts up 
finger warningly) . Ssssh ! 

Inspector (loudly). What's the meaning of all this? 
What's the meaning of it, I say? 

Mayme (very mysteriously). Ssssh! Not a word! 
Not a sound! They're desperit. They're up-stairs, the 
whole gang of 'em. You come with me and 1*11 show you 
how you can get all of 'em. 

Inspector (impressed). What's wrong with this 
house anyway? 

Mayme. Not so loud ! Not so loud ! 

Inspector (impressed). But there's something 
crooked going on here and 

Mayme. I know it. Sssssh ! Not a word, Chief! 
Not a word! (Inspector straightens up proudly.) 
Just you follow me and we'll land 'em. (Goes to library 
door and listens a moment, putting finger up for silence. 
Inspector follows her.) Ssssh! (Tiptoes across stage 
to kitchen door and does the same, Inspector following 



WIVES TO BURN 77 

her.) Ssssh! (Same thing at c. d.) Ssssh! (Start 
. upstairs. Half-way up stop. ) Ssssh ! 

[They exit by stairs. 

Aunt (enters quietly from kitchen, pausing a moment 
inside door to listen. Crosses to library door, opens it 
quickly and Gert falls out on stage. Dress should be 
torn, face and hands blackened, hair partially down, 
etc.). I knew there was something in there they didn't 
want me to see, but I didn't think it was you. How did 
you get so dirty? 

Gert (rising). Hi was hup the flue, ma'am. 

Aunt. Up the flue ! What took you up the flue ? 

Gert. Well, you see, Miss Bingle, Hi run in 
there (Points toward library, and stops.) 

Aunt. What for? 

Gert. Well, ma'am, because 'e, because 'e, because 
'e 

Kv^T (shaking her) . Because he what ? For mercy's 
sake, speak out! 

Gert. Because 'e was hafter me, ma'am. 

Aunt. Who was after you? 

Gert. The man, ma'am. 

Aunt. What man? 

Gert. The man as was hafter me, ma'am. 

Aunt (exasperated). But what was he after you for? 

Gert. Because Hi run, ma'am. 

Aunt. Why did you run? 

Gert. Because 'e took hafter me, ma'am. 

Aunt (thoroughly angry). Oh, you idiot! you block- 
head ! If I ever wanted to manhandle any one in my life 
it is you this minute. (Grabs Gert's arm.) You come 
with me and get cleaned up and then I have a bone to 
pick with you, young lady, about those " heggs " you 
brought for breakfast. (Start toward kitchen.) 

Uncle (enters kitchen). Don't be harsh with the 
poor girl, Henrietta. Perhaps she can explain things to 
your satisfaction, if given the opportunity. 

Aunt (glaring at him). Perhaps! Possibly as well 
as you have explained about your wife up-stairs. 

[Exits to kitchen with Gert. 



78 WIVES TO BURN 

Uncle (stands and looks after them a moment, shak- 
ing his head. Jack, still in long overcoat, tiptoes down- 
stairs and starts for c. D. Just as he reaches door, 
Uncle sees him). Here, you! I want to speak to you 
a moment. (Starts for Jack, zvho looks hurriedly 
around room and then holts for library, enters and locks 
door, or holds it from inside.) Open the door! 
{Pause.) Open the door, I say. All I want is to ask 
you a few questions. (Pause.) Come! Come! I want 
a little talk with you ; open the door. 

Jack (opens door and sticks head out). What does 
the Effendi desire ? 

Uncle (walking c). Come on out and 1*11: tell you. 
(Jack comes on stage.) You say you are the favorite 
wife of Daniel Easton? 

Jack. Yes, Eifendi. 

Uncle. What's the game? My name is Daniel Eas- 
ton and I am quite sure I never sent a favorite wife or 
any other kind of a wife to my nephew to be cared for. 
There is something going on here that shouldn't be and 
somebody is lying. Who is it? 

Jack. Why should the Effendi ask Little Bevo? I 
was sent from my home in far-off Turkey to a man 
named Parker to be cared for, and that is all I can tell 
thee. 

Uncle. Who sent you ? 

Jack. My husband, the Effendi Daniel. 

Uncle. But I am the Effendi Daniel, if you want to 
call me that, and I am sure I never was your husband. 

Jack. Oh, Effendi ! I know not the ins and outs of 
the case. Just think of me, a poor little girl all alone in 
a strange country. What shall I do? Oh, what shall I 
do? (Throws himself on Uncle's breast and sobs.) 

Uncle. Here, here, here! Suppose some one should 
come in. 

( Tries to get away from Jack but is unsuccessful. ) 

Aunt (enters from kitchen; stops just inside door). 
Um-hum! You had no wife, hadn't you? 



WIVES TO BURN 



79 



Uncle (very angry, throws Jack on divan). We'll 
have no more of this ! 

Jack. Oh, Effendi ! Why act like you did in far-off 
Turkey? This is America. 

Uncle. That's enough, I said! You take a run up- 
stairs. (Points toward stairs. Jack looks at him a mo- 
ment and then exits stairs.) And now you (To Aunt.) 
are going to listen to some plain speaking. 

Aunt. Oh! Am I? (Turns to go out.) 

Uncle (grabs her arm). Yes, you are. (Leads her 
to' divan.) Sit dow^n! (Aunt glares at him defiantly.) 
Sit down! (She sits.) That's better. Now we can talk 
things over. (Sits beside her.). Now I'll agree that 1 
made a fool of myself years ago but I am not going tc 
be made a fool of now. While I have lived in Turkey 
for twenty odd years 

Aunt. I don't care where you have lived. I have no 
intention of listening to you any longer. 

(Attempts to rise, Uncle preventing her.) 

Uncle. Oh, yes, you have ! I have just got started. 
As I say, while I have lived in Turkey for twenty odd 
years, the Turkey that I have been in does not permit a 
man to have more than one wife. Now as I intend 
marrying you 

Aunt. The very idea! I'll never marry you. 
Never! Never! Never! 

Uncle. Oh, yes, you will! As I say, as I intend 
marrying you, it stands to reason that that ding-bat that 
just went up-stairs is not my wife and I can assure you 
she never was. That being the. case, we'll go out, get a 
license, and do things up to-night. I have to start back 
to Turkey to-morrow. 

Aunt. And do you think for a moment that even 
though I did intend to marry you, which I don't, I would 
be in such a hurry ? I wouldn't marry the King of Eng- 
land like this. 

Uncle. I believe he has a wife so you needn't worry 
on that question. It's me you are considering now. 
(^Pleading. ) Henrietta ! We've lost the past twenty-five 



80 WIVES TO BURN 

years through my fooHshness. Don't let us lose the next 
twenty-five through yours. 

Aunt. Oh, Daniel, I believe you. But I couldn't live 
in Turkey. 

Uncle. We'll talk about that later. 

Aunt. And I couldn't marry you to-night. I would 
need a whole new outfit of clothes and 

Uncle. I'll outfit you all in the new. I don't like that 
old-maidish way of dressing anyway. It doesn't do you 
justice, my dear. You might as well have everything 
that is coming to you, for you are marrying a rich man. 
Are there any stores open? 

Aunt. Of course not. At this time of night ! Dan- 
iel ! I have my old wedding dress in my trunk. The 
dress I bought when you 

Uncle. Put it on ! 

Aunt. At this time of night? People would think 
I was crazy. 

Uncle. Never mind what people think ; you are 
pleasing me, now. Come on. 

(Takes her hand and starts toward dining-room.) 

Aunt. Really, Daniel, I don't like to do this. 

Uncle. " Why not? Can't you trust me? 

Aunt. Yes, Daniel. • [They exit dining-room. 

Polly (enters from stairs, crossing to extreme l., 
Betty, Dick awJ Mayme /o//owm^). No! No!! No!! 
(Stamps foot.) I won't do it. 

Betty. But, PoUv 

Polly. I won't, I tell you, and that settles it. 

Dick. But, Miss Palmer 

Polly. Under no conditions ! 

Betty. Don't be a fool, Polly, because you know 
how. 

Polly. That's about the third time to-night you have 
told me that. 

Betty. It stands to reason then that .you are in need 
of a little friendly, advice. Now in this case 

Polly. I won't listen. 



WIVES TO BURN 8l 

(Turns and walks back stage, Dick and Betty follow- 
ing. Mayme stands r.) 

Dick. You nittst help us out. We are in an awful 
fix and 

Polly (turning toward him quickly). Did / have 
anything to do with getting you into this fix? 

Dick. No, but it was gone into partially for your 
sake. 

Polly. Partially? I can handle my own affairs, 
thank you. (Goes front.) 

Betty. Now that the jewels are gone they must be 
replaced and 

Polly. Did I bring them here? Why should you 
hold me responsible for them? I think it was a ridicu- 
lous, presumptuous arrangement from the start and I'll 
never forgive any of you, never! (Starts toward c. d.) 

Mayme (stops her). Say! Put on the soft pedal and 
go back and sit on a tack, (Shoves Polly backward 
and makes her sit on divan.) Do you know what you 
need? You ought to be turned over somebody's knee 
and a No. lo applied where it would do the most service. 

Polly (aghast). Oh, you impertinent, brazen, 
bold 

(Attempts to rise. Mayme shoves her back on divan.) 

Mayme. Go ahead! Enjoy yourself! You ain't 
worryin' me none, though, so you might as well lay off. 
I'm gonna have my say out and you're gonna listen to it, 
so you might as well m.ake up your mind to it. (Sits 
divan beside Polly.) Now about the first thing you 
want to. get into your head, dearie, is that you ain't the 
whole cheese. 

Polly. I won't stay here to be insulted. 

(Rises and Mayme ptdls her back on divan.) 
Mayme. The Lord said unto Pat! Would yuh listen 



82 WIVES TO BURN 

at it! Who's insultin' of yuh ? I ain't. I was just tellin' 
yuh the gospel truth. Xow listen: When this here fat 
dame shuffled off and left this pile of mazuma to some^ 
guy provided he married a girl weighin' three hundred 
pounds and we foimd Bert had been picked as the goat, 
we, bein' friends of his, made up our minds that he was 
goin' to get that $^00,000 or bust. We knowed, of 
course, that he was too much of a gent to throw you 
down, so we thought if we could razzle-dazzle him into 
marryin' this tub of lard he could get the money, give her 
ten thousand or so, take a run up into Nevada, get a 
divorce 

Polly. Get a divorce! On what grounds? 

Mayme. Lord love yuh, you don't need no grounds 
in Nevada. You just divorce 'em, that's all. Then we 
thought after doin' this he could marry you and still have 
$300,000 or so to the good. Some scheme, if you was to 
ast my opinion, which, of course, you ain't. 

Polly. But the humiliation of seeing you and this — 
this dishwasher claim Bert as your husband. Why 
wasn't I consulted? 

^NIayme. We didn't know you then. 

Dick. \\*e didn't even know where you lived, 

Polly. I don't like it. Back in Ohio 

Mayme. Say ! Forget it I Yuh ain't in Ohio now. 
You're in California, and we do things a little different 
out this wa}'. ^^ hy, if a fellow was as dippy over me as 
Bert is over you, man, I'd do anything for him, anything. 
He just raves about ycu, momin', noon and night. 

Polly {eagerly). Does he, honestly? 

Mayme {ivinks at Dick). Does he? You'd oughta 
hear him. It's Polly this and Polly that until we've all 
about got Pollyitis. Why, the poor boob even cuts his 
meals short so he can sneak away from the table and 
'phone yuh when there ain't nobody around. 

Polly. Dear, dear Bert ! 

Mayme. That's just what I say, dear, dear Bert! 

Polly {turning and looking at Mayme suspiciously). 
What ? 

Mayme. That is, I'd say that if / was you. 



WIVES TO BURN 83 

Polly. Perhaps I should help dear Bert get this 
money. 

Dick. There's no perhaps about it, Miss Palmer, you 
should. 

Betty. I should say you should. 

Polly. I really haven't looked at it in the right light, 
I suppose, but if you think it my duty to help him, I will. 

Steve (running down-stairs). That detective is rais- 
ing the very devil up-stairs. Jack is sitting on him just 
at present, but 

Polly (rushes to Steve and throws her arms around 
his neck). Steve! 

Steve (embracing her), Polly! 

Mayme. What is it? Initiation into the Mutual 
Huggin' and Kissin' Association? 

Polly. It's my brother. The one I came West to 
find. (To Steve.) Why didn't you write? 

Steve. When I came out here I was going to do 
wonders, but instead I went broke. I was ashamed to 
write and let you know ; that's all. Now I am working 
on a ranch. 

Betty. I don't like to hurry you, but can't you let the 
explaining go until after we have straightened this 
tangle ? 

Dick. Yes, there's that policeman up-stairs 

Steve. An^ he's sui^ raising the devil in general. 

Dick. You are going to help us now, aren't you, Miss 
Palmer ? 

Steve. If you can ao anything, Sis, to get us out of 
this mess, do it I 

Polly. What do you want me to do? 

Dick (takes one of Polly's arms, Mayme the other). 
Come up-stairs and we'll see that you are fitted up to 
look the part. Rich ought to be along with Bert before 
long. He can't have gotten very far. 

(All start up-stairs, Betty last. Others exit as Betty 
gets about half-way up-sfairs. Rich appears at 
window and calls.) 

Rich. Betty! (She stops.) May I speak with you a 



84 WIVES TO BURN 

moment? {She turns and goes slowly down-stairs.) 
Dick told me you were here. 

Betty {going to divan). Did he? You might have 
looked me up a little earlier, then. {Sits divan.) 

Rich {sitting beside her). I wanted to but I was 
busy on this job for Bert. 

Betty. Did you find him? 

Rich. Yes, he's outside the window. He sent me in 
to make sure his black affinity hadn't returned. 

{Pause. Betty looking at Rich and he at her several 
times.) 

Betty. Why haven't you been around to see me for 
the past couple of weeks ? 

Rich. Why? Because, Betty, I was jealous, jealous 
of Dick and the other fellows you have been running 
around with, and when I called you up and asked you to 
marry me 

Betty {gives long sigh). Oh, what a relief! It was 
you, then? 

Rich {amazed). Of course it was me! Who else 
could it be? 

Betty. Oh, yes, of course, but go on. 

Rich. I'm really ashamed of myself, Betty, but when 
I asked you if you would marry me and you said you 
would, I thought I would teach- you a lesson, so I decided 
to hold you off for a while without saying anything 
further. A little like you had been holding me off for 
the last six months. (Betty looks at him indignantly:) 
Oh, I know it wasn't a very gentlemanly thing to do, 
Betty, but you'll forgive me, won't you? 

Betty. I'll think about it. 

Rich. But, Betty 

Betty. Wait until we're married, young man, just 
you wait. 

Bert {at window). Did she come back? 

Betty {running to window). No, she didn't. Come 
on in ; they're waiting for you. 

Bert {entering). Who's waiting for me? 

Betty. Come and see. Come on, Rich. 



WIVES TO BURN 85 

{They hurry Bert upstairs.) 

Gert {enters from kitchen, closing door after her, 

very quietly. Goes to 'phone.) Hollywood 987 

Mr. Wilkins, please. (Dick starts downstairs. Notices 
Gert and stops.) Miss Lamson speaking. Send my 

machine around. You have the address Yes, I 

believe I can play the part to perfection ........ Oh !. 

Yes indeed ! We have had some rather exciting experi- 
ences here in the last hour Local color? It's all 

over me in chunks The other scheme ? Yes, I 

think it is going to be a success. Have the machine here 
in a half -hour, please. {Hangs up 'phone.) 

Dick {coming downstairs). I thought so! 

(Gert turns quickly.) 

Gert. Just what did you think, Mr. Girard? 

Dick. No wonder you could play the deserted wife, 
so well. Might I ask your reason for working here as 
Miss Bingle's dishwasher, or is that one of the state 
secrets? 

Gert. No; not exactly. My next picture is entitled 
" The Slavey's Romance." I wanted to see if there 
could possibly be a romance in the life of a slavey and, 
incidentally, imbibe a little local color. 

Dick. Did you — imbibe the local color? 

Gert {showing her torn dress, dirty face, etc.). Don't 
you see it on me? 

Dick. And the romance? Did you find it? 

Gert {smiling). How would you like to work with 
me in my next picture, Mr. Girard? 

Dick {eagerly). There is nothing I would like better. 
But I've never had any experience. 

Gert. Don't you think your experience here to-night 
would stand you in good stead ? 

Dick. But 

Gert. Do you accept my ofifer? 

Dick. Oh, Miss Lamson 

Gert. My name is Mary — to my friends. 



86 WIVES TO BURN 

Dick. .Mary, I Why, Mary! Those were 

your jewels you brought to me, and 

Gert. Don't worry about the jewels, Dick. They 
are safe. Miss Bingle had them. 

Dick. Are you sure they are safe ? Where are they ? 

Gert. In the ice-box. 

Dick. Jiminy Christmas ! One hundred thousand 
dollars' worth of jewelry in the ice-box! (Grabs Gert's 
arm.) Come on and let's get it before somebody else 
does. [They exit kitchen. 

Uncle {enters c. d. with Aunt. Aunt should wear 
wedding dress of period twenty-five years previous to 
time of play, also long coat or cape, which she throws off 
on her entrance). Here we are safe home again. 
{Looks at Aunt.) And to think, Henrietta, you were 
married in the dress you made for our wedding so long 
ago. There never was a prettier bride in New York. 
It's worth waiting twenty-five years to see you. 

Aunt. Daniel ! You flatterer ! It is just because 
you are happy that you are saying those nice things 
about me, for how could an old woman of forty-eight 
make such a handsome bride? 

Uncle. Henrietta 

Aunt. There, there ! I don't blame you. I am 
happy myself. So happy that I am going to hunt up 
Gert and help her return those jewels to the person from 
whom she took them. I'm so happy I don't want to see 
any one in trouble. I left her in the kitchen cleaning 
herself up, so suppose she is still there, for she would 
have a job on her hands. Come, Daniel. 

[They exit to kitchen. 

Betty {enters stairs supporting Polly on one side: 
Mayme on the other. Polly should he made up as an 
extremely fat woman, wearing hat and veil. Should 
have pieces of wood painted to look like iron in pockets, 
up sleeves, under belt, etc., to be removed later). Care- 
ful, Polly ! Don't fall or we'll never be able to pick you 
up. {Places Polly r. c.) Now you stand right there. 
Bert can stand here. {Points to Polly's left.) The 
rest can stand over there. {Points l.) Rich and I will 



WIVES TO BURN 87 

act as attendants. Miss Clifford! Will you get up and 
tell the happy groom and best man that everything is 
ready ? 

Mayme. Happy groom? If that guy is happy I'd 
hate to see him when he looks sad. 

[Exits stairs -singing wedding march. 

Betty. Just think, Poljy, you are getting the man 
you want and $300,000 into the bargain. 

Polly. I'm so excited, Betty, that if it wasn't for this 
iron I have stuck around me, I couldn't stand still. 

(Rich and Mayme enter stairs with Bert.) 

Bert. You are not running a black one in on me 
again, are you? 

Rich. No, this one is all right. 

Bert. What's the idea of the veil? 

Betty (to Rich). You explained why he had to 
marry a fat woman, did you? 

Rich. Yes, he know^s it all. 

Betty (to Bert). As you are to be divorced as soon 
as you get the money, the lady doesn't want to be em- 
barrassed should she ever meet you again. 

Bert. Oh, -I see ! All right ; let's get it over with. 
Come on, you three hundred pounds. 

(Stands l. of Polly, taking her arm.) 

Betty. Now where's Dick with that minister? We 
sent him after one a half-hour ago. He ought to be 
back by this time. 

Mayme. There's a justice of the peace in the next 
apartment. Wouldn't he do ? 

Bert. Go ahead ! Any old thing. 

Mayme (looks for number in 'phone book). Holly- 
wood 9856 Mr. Payne? Could you come over 

next door and make two hearts beat as one ? 

Svire ! Splice 'em up Over at Miss Bingle's. 

(To Betty.) He says he's got company and can't come 
over, but if they stand out on the porch he'll marry 'em 
across the court. 

Bert. Perfectly all right with me ; any old way. 



88 WIVES TO BURN 

Mayme (in 'phone). All right, Mr. Payne. They'll 
be right out. {Hangs up * phone.) Now then, if we only 

had a jazz band ever}'thing would be right up to date, 
wouldn't it ? Get in Hne, folks. Come on, Bert. {Places 
Bert c. of stage, facing window.) You're next, Pol — 
I mean you tliree thousand, 'scuse me, three himdred 
pounds. Right here. {Places Polly at Bert's r.) 
Miss King, you and Rich right here. {Places them be- 
hind Bert and Polly.) I'll be Master of Ceremonies 
and lead the parade. {Steps in front of Bert and 
Polly and begins marking time.) Left! Right! Left! 
Right! {Others step into time.) Left! Right! All 
1 eady ! Shoot ! 

{Leads them out window, singing, "Here comes the 
bride! Here comes the bride!" Man's voice heard 
outside: "All ready! " Mayme answers, "All 
O. K." Man's voice: "All right, line up.") 

Aunt {enters from kitchen with Uncle. They stand 
just iftside door a moment, looking at each other). Did 

you hear what ^Ir. Girard told that girl? 

L'xcLE. I did. 

Aunt. All of it? 

L'xcle. Ever}- \yord. 

Aunt. I don't often use slang. Daniel, but to borrow 
one of !Miss Clifford's favorite expressions, " Could vou 
beat it ! " 

Uncle. No,, my dear. I don't believe you could. 

{They sit divan.) 

Aunt. To think that the favorite wife and the jewels 
were all a part of their scheme to have Bert get that 
money. For a time I actually believed that was your 
wife, Daniel. Can you ever forgive me? 

Uncle. Certainly I can. It was worked up so well 
I almost believed it myself. 

Aunt. Xo doubt I am ver\- dumb for the^^ told me 
they were going to put some sort of a scheme over, but 
I never dreamed it would be such a thing as this. To 
think of the work it took and the way they did it! 



WIVES TO BURN 89 

Uncle. I don't get the drift of it even yet. 

Aunt. Here! {Hands him paper.) It's all ex- 
plained in the paper. 

Uncle (skims over article). And Bert was the man 
selected ? 

Aunt. Yes, his name was drawn. I don't know 
where he is but there is no doubt in the world they have 
him married to a three-hundred-pound girl by this time. 
Just think of it, Daniel, three hundred pounds ! 

Uncle. I came here purposely to see him and take 
him back to Turkey with me to help me handle my af-. 
fairs. I hadn't bargained though on taking a three-hun- 
dred-pound helpmate along. 

Aunt. / will help you handle your affairs in the fu- 
ture, Daniel. 

Mayme {at window). Well, it's all over but the scrap- 
pin'. {Betters from window, going c. Is followed by 
Rich and Betty who cross l. Bert goes r., Polly re- 
mains at window.) Meet Mr. and Mrs. Parker, ladies 
and gentlemen. 

Aunt (crossing to Bert). Bert! You haven't mar- 
ried that — that (Points to Polly. Bert attempts 

to speak and then turns hack on Aunt and stares 'at ceil- 
ing.) Why, Bert! (Door-hell rings.) Gert! Answer 
the door! Oh, I forgot. (Exits c. d., returning imme- 
diately with letter.) A letter by special messenger for 
Mr. Parker. It is marked " To be opened just before his 
wedding." 

Bert. Just before my wedding! Give it to me. 
(Takes letter, opens and reads it. Then takes several 
hills out of envelope.) Where is to-night's paper? 

(Mayme crosses to Rich.) 

Aunt (hands him paper). Here it is. 

Bert (looks for article and reads it, then turns to 
Mayme and Rich). Did you see this article in the pa- 
per? (No answer, Mayme and Rich looking at each 
other.) \ suppose I have you two to thank for the go- 
ings-on here to-night. Where's Dick? Was he in on.it 
too? 



90 WIVES TO BURN 

Rich. Now, Bert, don't get sore. We only wanted 
to be sure you got the $400,(X)0. It really wasn't the bet, 
you know. 

Bert. Bet ! I*d forgot all about it. 

Mayme. We just couldn't see you lose out on that 
$400,000, Bert. 

Bert. Is that so ! Well, I don't get it ! Do you un- 
derstand? / don'f get it! All I get is that ton of hay 
over there. (Points to Polly.) Read that and see how 
your plans turned out. 

(Hands letter to Rich and walks r.) 

Rich (reads). "Now, Mr. Parker, that you have 
shown a little speed and pep in locating a three-hundred- 
pound bride in such short order, we would like to state 
that the article in to-night's Herald is merely an adver- 
tising scheme which we are using as the first effort on 
the part of the new publicity manager we intend engag- 
ing to handle the Mary Lamson Feature Productions 
which will be placed before the public with her next 
picture 'The Slavey's Romance.'" (Turns toward 
Mayme and speaks.) Mayme! We had all our work 
for nothing. (Reads.) " We are enclosing $300 for the 
Mrs. Parker-who-was-to-be " 

Mayme. A dollar a pound! 

Rich (reading). ** And would request that you re- 
port at our office to-morrow rdorning at nine o'clock 
where a contract at a liberal salary will be awaiting you. 
Yours very truly, J. D. Wilkins, Manager, Louperex 
Film Corporation." 

Dick (enters from kitchen with Gert. She is neatly 
dressed, hair done up, etc. Is wearing lavallier pre- 
viously recognized by Betty. Dick looks at crozvd on 
stage and then turns to Mayme). By George! I forgot 
all about the minister. 

Mayme. Never mind the minister. It's a fake and 
he don't get the money. How are we ever going to get 
that jewel business straightened out? 

Betty (notices Gert). Miss Lamson! And your 
lavallier 



WIVES TO BURN 9 1 

Gert. There is no need to worry about the jewels. 
When they were stolen I did it myself. 

Dick. Miss Lamson, as Gert, the hired girl, has been 
imbibing a little local color for the past three weeks in 
Miss Bingle's kitchen. 

Uncle. Pardon me ! Mrs. Daniel Easton. 

Gert. May I congratulate you, Mrs. Daniel Easton? 

Aunt. You rogue f And I nearly had you arrested 
for stealing your own jewels. 

Dick. Ye gods ! The policeman ! 

Aunt. Where is he? 

Dick. Up-stairs, bound and gagged with two men 
sitting on him. 

Uncle. What for? 

Dick. So he wouldn't interfere until the wedding 
was over. We must turn him loose. 

(All exit stairs, except Bert and Polly.) 

Bert {makes several attempts to speak). I'm sorry 
Miss — I mean Mrs. — that is, just what is your name? 

Polly. Mrs. Bert Parker, I presume. 

Bert (starts). Oh, yes, yes, so it is. (Takes money 
out of pocket, looks at it a moment and then hands it to 
Polly.) I suppose this is coming to you. You of course 
understand that, that 

Polly. That what? 

Bert. That this is%nothing but a farce. I can't live 
with you. I am heartily ashamed for even having part 
in such a scheme. You can arrange for a divorce on 
the grounds of desertion or anything you think best. 

Polly. But I don't want a divorce. I don't believe 
in them. I married you and I intend to live with you. 

Bert (astonished). But you must understand that it 
is impossible. I can't, I simply can't. 

Polly (throwing hack her veil). Why can't you, 
Bert? 

Bert. Polly ! Was it yoii I married ? 

Polly. It certainly was. 

(They embrace. Bert jerks away from Polly and 
looks at her arm. Touches it and feels wood.) 



92 WIVES TO BURN 

Bert. \\'hat on earth is the matter ? 

Polly. Oh, I forgot! {Removes zi'ood from sleeves, 
bodice, etc.) Dick must have robbed the junk shop for 
me. ' 

Bert. \\'hat on earth 

Polly. To make me weigh the full three hundred 
poimds, silly! 

(He again attempts to embrace her, but Uncle, Aunt, 
Betty', Rich, Gert and Dick appear on stairs. 
Bert shoves hands in pocket and starts r. ivhis- 
tling.) 

Uxcle. Fift}- dollars settled him all right. {Goes to 
Bert.) Now don't wcrr}^ about not getting that money, 
my lad. I have plent}' for both of us. {Walks c, laugh- 
ing. ) A\'ell, well, ^vell ! \\'hat youth won't attempt. 
Your' scheme was a good one, young folks, but you 
slipped up on one little thing. 

Dick. What was that? 

Uncle {to Bert). Did you ever notice, Bert, that 
you always got my checks through a la\\wer in Pitts- 
burgh ? 

Bert {after a moment's thought). Come to think of 
it — yes. 

Uncle. Well, the Turkey in which I have been for 
the past twenty odd years is Turkey, Pennsylvania, a 
little way station on the B. & O. ^lailroad, where I own 
a few coal mines, the hardware store, the undertaking 
parlors and run the post-office. Come, dear. 

{Offers arm to Aunt and they exit library, Uncle 
looking back over shoulder smiling. Each looks at 
the other, thunderstruck. Polly and Bert extreme 
r., Dick and Gert c, Rich and Betty l.) 

Dick. Anyway, we had some fun out of it. 
Rich. Yes, and I would have won my bet, too. if we 
hadn't got switched, for she did throw you down, Bert. 
Polly. But not for good. 

Ste\'e) (together: coming part zvay dozen-stairs). 
Jack ) When do we get some real clothes? 



WIVES TO BURN 93 

Dick. Help yourself to mine. 

Rich. Mine, too. Take all you want. 

(Steve and Jack exit stairs. Rich and Betty, Bert 
and Polly engage in conversation.) 

Gert. Are you going to accept the proposition of the 
Louperex Studio, Mr. Parker? (Bert pays no atten- 
tion to her.) Mr. Parker! — Mr. Parker! 

Dick {goe^s to Bert and yells in his ear). Mr. 
Parker ! ■ The lady wants to speak to you ! 

Bert {jumps). You needn't yell! I'm not hard of 
hearing. 

Dick. Oh no ! Not at all ! 
* Gert {smiling). I merely asked if you are going to 
accept the proposition of the Louperex Studio, Mr. 
Parker ? 

Bert. You bet I am! I got the girl I want and a 
good job into the bargain. Rich can go and help Uncle 
run the undertaking parlors. What puzzles me, though, 
is how they picked on me? 

Gert {smiling). I could tell you how that happened. 
{All turn toward her.) But I won't. {Others resume 
conversation.) How about my offer, Mr. — er — Dick? 

Dick. It would be glorious Mary, and it's just what 
I have always wanted, but could I do it? 

Gert. Let me be the judge of that. Some day you 
might even be my leading man. 

Dick. I would like to be that for life, Mary. 

{Each of the hoys puts arm around girl to whom 
speaking and bends to kiss her as Mayme enters 
stairs.) . 

Mayme {on stairs). Hey! Break away! Break 
away ! - 

{They all turn and look at Mayme indignantly a mo- 
ment. Then boys kiss the girls.) 

QUICK CURTAIN 



THE CONJURER 

A Dramatic Mystery in Three Acts 

By Mansfield Scott 
Author of '^ The Submarine Shell," *'The Air- Spy ^^ etc. 

Bight male, four female characters. Costumes, modern ; scenery, tww 
easy interiors. Plays a full evening. Royalty for amateur performance, 
$10.00 for the first and ^5.00 each for subsequent performances by the 
same company. Free for school performance. George Clifford, in- 
capacitated for service at the front, employs his great talents as a conjurer 
to raise m«ney for the soldiers. He is utilized by Inspector Steele, of the 
U. S, Secret Service, in a plan to discover certain foreign spies. The plan 
goes wrong and involves seven persons -in suspicion of a serious crime. 
Clifford's clever unravelling of this tangled skein constitutes the thrilling 
plot of this play, the interest of which is curiously like that of the popular 
" Thirteenth Chair." This is not a " war-play " save in a very remote 
and indirect way, but a clever detective story of absorbing interest. 
Strongly recommended. 

Price, ^^ cents 

CHARACTERS 

Inspector Malcome Steele. Driscoll Wells. 

George Clifford. Doctor Gordon Peak. 

Captain Frank Drummond Detective White. 

Gleason. Marion Anderson. 

Lieutenant Hamilton War- Edith Anderson. 

WICK, Ellen Gleason. 

Colonel Willard Anderson. Dorothy Elmstrom. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — The home of Colonel Anderson (Friday evening). 
Act II. — The office of Inspector Steele (Saturday afternoon). 
Act III. — The same as Act II (Saturday evening). 



THE OTHER VOICE 

A Play in One Act 

By S. vK. Fairbanks 
Three voices, preferably male, are employed in this little novelty which 
is intended to be presented upon a dark stage upon which nothing is 
actually visible save starlight. It was originally produced at Workshop 
47, Cambridge, where its effective distillation of the essential oil of tragedy 
was curiously successful. An admirable item for any programme seeking 
variety of material and effect. Naturally no costumes nor scenery are re- 
quired, save a drop carrying stars and possibly a city sky-line. Plays ten 
minutes only ; royalty, ^5.00. 

Price, 2^ cents 



OLD DAYS IN DIXIE 

A Comedy-Drama in Three Acts 

By Walter Ben Hare 

Five males, eight females. Scene, a single interior. Costumes of the 
period. Plays two hours and a quarter. Beverly Bonfoey, a high type 
of Southern gentleman, loves Azalea, his mother's ward, but Raoul' 
Chaudet, a Canadian adventurer, to whom he has given the hospitality of 
Bonfoey, steals her love. Forced to leave suddenly because of crooked 
money transactions, he persuades her to elope, but this is prevented by a 
wonderfully dramatic device, Beverly then challenges Raoul, who shows 
the white feather and runs away, and Beverly, to save the family honor, 
assumes the consequences of his- swindling transactions. The untying of 
this knot is the plot of a strong play with a genuine Southern atmosphere 
written wholly (rom the Southern point of view. Royalty, ^lo.oo for the 
first and $5.00 for subsequent performances by the same cast. 

Price, jj' cents 

CHARACTERS 

The Prologue, the Goddess of the South. 
Madame Bonfoey, mistress of the plantation. 
Azalea, her ward, 
Nancy, Azalea s sister. 

Cousin Sallie S^iLLERS, from a neighboring estate, 
Phcebe, a little coquette. 
Mary Rose, Phwbe s sister. 
Mam' .Dicey, the house mammy. 
Beverly Bonfoey, the young heir. 
Judge Pennymint, his uncle. 
^<- Raoul Chaudet, a visitor from Quebec, 
Cameo Clemm./zw;/ the city. 
Unker Shad, a bit of old mahogany. 

Beaux and Belles of Dixie. 

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES 
Act I. The drawing-room of the Bonfoey Plantation in 1849. 
The letter. 
Act II. The dinner party. The duel. 
Act III. An April morning, three years later. The return. 

THE ORIGINAL TWO BITS . 

A Farce in Two Acts 

By Hazel M. Robinson 

iVritten for and presented by The Invaders Chib of the United 

Baptist Church of Lewiston, Maine 

Seven females. Scene, an interior. Plays twenty minutes. The girls 
jn camp receive a visit from a neighbor and have to borrow the neighbor's 
own dinner in order to feed them. They almost get away with it — not 
quite. Irish comedy character, eccentric aunt, rest straight. 

Price, 2^ cents 



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